Thursday, May 12, 2016

Raw Past.

This post might be long, raw and real. Just a warning. I just heard songs and it reminded of my past. Or rather, what I used to be.

The song talked about having anger. I remember having loads of anger when I was younger. I never quite understood it. It's not like I had a bad family. I didn't and they love me and everything.
But anger was real.
It was like there was a fire in my chest. 
I was just angry.

And honestly, I hated being angry. Because that is when I would make the most stupid decision. I have always regretted every decision I made in anger.

I never understood why I had so much anger.
Anger was like my primary emotion. I didn't get sad when people hurt me. I get angry. Anything happens, anger would come out. 

And in this world, it seemed like anger was a bad emotion. So I hated myself for having so much of it. For not being able to control it. When I was younger, anger was like fire. It only spread everywhere and I watched it burn. I could do nothing to stop it.

It's like watching yourself burning things. You are staring at yourself and you are yelling, begging to stop. But the one burning isn't listening. There was nothing you could do but stare at the damage you caused.

I hated my anger for a long time. The world didn't like people with anger. Or worse, little girls aren't supposed to be angry. They are supposed to be happy little angels. But I wasn't. I was angry. Angry all the time. What was I angry at? I had no idea and I never figured it out. 

So I got good at wearing a mask. Building walls and putting people at a distance. Because no one wants to see anger. It's ugly. So I hide it deep it inside me. But I was young so I didn't have much control. So I was still angry. So every once in a while, the anger will flare out. People will be surprised and I would hate myself so much for flaring out because I should have control over my own anger.

Those were hard times. But lucky me, I watched shows and there were a few characters on TV or movies that had anger like me. So much anger. And for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. Because like me, they hated their anger and had no idea to control it.

But the past was hard for me. Because as a young person, my emotions were everywhere and I didn't know how to handle that. 

What made things worse were, I was trying so hard to fit in. 
But clearly, I didn't fit in at all.
People said many things about me and it weren't nice.

If you ask me now, I can't remember their exact words or who said these words. But I just remember hearing them. I remember how I had to pretend to smile and pretend it didn't hurt. I had to pretend I didn't hear or that I didn't understand. 

So I wore an even thicker mask. Build taller walls. And hide inside them. Because it was safer in there and no one could hurt me if they didn't know my weakness. I constantly told myself, "Don't let them see you hurt. Don't let them see you cry. Don't let them see you sad. Don't let them win.

I was just good at pretending that I was alright despite the fact that my self esteem corroded. I hated myself back then.

But no matter how much I hated myself, my self esteem wasn't destroyed completely. Because no matter what, I knew one thing about myself. I was going to go places. I was going to make it big. I would be successful in the future. So successful that they would regret ever being mean to me.

Personally, to me, this doesn't matter now. I just want to find happiness in my life. Live the life I always dreamed of. 

Good thing is, high school ended.

And Alevels begun. In Alevels, I got a fresh start. So I decided to go differently. Be a different person. Be who I want to be but never got to become back in high school.

It was great in Alevels. I learnt more about myself and found wonderful friends that would support me.
Ever since then, I kept working at my own recovery. I learnt to love myself alot more. I also learn to love people and my life. 

So yea.

What I am trying to say is, life will suck and it will have hard times. But you will be alright. You can get better. I certainly did.

This smile, this upbeat positive attitude I have, it did not come because I didn't have hardship. But it was because I did have. I choose to be positive and happy. Because that's how I want to live the rest of my life. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

The thing about having only one exam as a method of evaluation.

This might be a long post but this is just a tiny rant. I been keeping this rant in me for some time now. But now that my finals have arrived, I decided to rant this out.

My course only has one exam as a method of evaluation. One exam per subject. No assignments. No presentations. Just one exam.

Some people think, wow, that's amazing. You guys can slack all year long and then study like a month or two before the exams. What an amazingly easy course. 

Obviously, this makes me mad.
Because it's not easy.
And no, you can't slack all year long then study a month or two before the exams. If you do that, you will fail. Trust me.

Having one exam is tough. It truly is.
Our syllabus is long and deep. 
We can spend a whole year studying it and yet, when it comes to the exam day, we aren't quite sure if we are fully prepared.
But the crazy thing, if you asks us when we will ever be prepared? I don't think we ever would be. So we just take it in our stride and go for our exams.

One exam is tough because you have to plan your own studies. You are on your own. No one to tell you to study. No one to tell you what your progress is. No signs of how well you are doing or how bad you are doing. You just have to do it and hope for the best.

If there are no lecturers or no good lecturers, you have to self study. So that means pacing yourself. Setting your own schedule and following it.

Then, there is the stress levels. Because somedays, you will wake up and you will completely overwhelmed. You will feel like there's too much to study and it's too hard. You will feel like you can't do it. 
But somehow, you will have to pull yourself together. 
You have to remember to breathe and just do it.

You will feel alone because it's the subject matter and you.
And if you are lucky, you will have great friends by your side who are studying the same course as you and they will be your support. They will be your reminder that you can carry on.

You will learn about yourself. On how discipline you are. On how you handle your stress levels. 

This course will test you. Stretch you and push you. 

You will ask yourself why you are doing this. And you will remember why you are doing this.

The thing about having only one exam is that there is no one to tell you how you are doing and if what you are doing is the right thing.

And you only have one day to prove that you been studying all year long. One year worth of work put on one day. It's heavy and harsh and unfair.

You can study consistently through out the year. And all it takes is a cold, or a fever or the fact that you let your nerves take over you that it paralyzes you on the exam day. Just like that, your grade will go down the train. 

That's tremendous stress right there.

The exam itself is tremendous stress. You stare at the question paper. Your biggest fear would be that you are unable to answer anything because the examiners decided to go crazy hard that year.

The exam tests on how you handle yourself in tremendous stress. It also tests your time management. 

And then, you leave the exam hall, hoping that what you have done would be enough. 

So no. One exam only is not easy and no you can't slack all year.

But the rewarding thing about my course is, it gives you immense confidence. You know you are the best out there. You know you can stand tall. You know you can take pressure. You know you can handle yourself in insane situation. And you know you are intelligent and worth it. 
Because you did this. And if you can survive this, you can survive anything. 

So this is also a reminder to me that I can do this. I just need to breathe and keep calm.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Body positive.

One good thing I really like about exercising so far is feeling very body positive. 

To be honest, for me, feeling body positive is a nice thing. Maybe because in my past, which was during my high school period, I didn't have much body positive feelings.

I always believed that the body is a temple and we should care for it.
And honestly, exercising and eating healthy does that.

But it's only recently that I made exercise part of a regime so I am only feeling the effects now.

I actually feel really good about my body. I feel healthy and I feel great. I love that.

Back in high school, people didn't say nice things about my body. They said terrible things about my hair, my teeth, my lips and so many things.

Even though what they say actually shouldn't matter, but their words slowly drip into my mind, staining it completely. Hence they contributed to the negative feelings I have of my body.

So there was a moment in my life where I really didn't like what I see in the mirror. Because of that, I avoided mirrors, taking pictures and so many things.

I tried not to laugh or smile too hard so that people won't see my horrendous teeth. 
I tried to do other stuff too so that people don't see what it is that I hate about my body.
But in the end, it failed. 
Because there is only so long that you can try to laugh less or smile less. And eventually I stopped doing that.

But the negative feelings I have for my body never quite went away.

I know people do not understand how I could possible have body negative feelings. I wasn't ugly nor am I fat.

And yet, I didn't want to be in pictures or wear certain clothes.

But I did have body negative feelings. Like a ghost, it haunted me, telling me what I cannot wear and how horrible I look in all of them.

Let me be honest here, I have a great sense of fashion. I know that. Why? Because everything I like is tasteful, classy and expensive. So yea.

But I never managed to fully dress to reflect my great sense of fashion. All of a sudden, on myself, I just couldn't wear the clothes my fashion sense demand. But for people, I can help them choose their clothes.

I been trying hard to counter my body negative feelings for a long time. It started with cosplay and little pushes to other clothes that are out of my comfort zone. 

And slowly, my body negative feelings have turned to body neutral feelings. Personally, I felt that it was great progress. 

With exercise now, I feel absolutely have turned from body neutral feelings to body positive feelings.

And honestly, it feels so great. I really wished I had felt this way from the start instead of having body negative feelings. But no matter. 

What matters is, I feel great now.

Anyway, the moral of this is that, good things can happen eventually. It just takes alot of time and effort. 

So be patient.

This is also a reminder to myself to be patient because I am actually a rather impatient person. So yea.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My biggest fear.

One of my goals is to be more real and raw. To discuss how I feel so I am going to do that with this post.

What is my biggest fear?

Honestly, my biggest fear is to turn out like Gatsby from the book, The Great Gatsby. 

What do I mean by that?

Gatsby is literally me. As in, he is ambitious, idealistic and wants so much more than he can ever have. He is so willing to chase what he wants that he is able to forget his past and where he comes from. He can even delude himself into thinking that he is somehow "the chosen one" or "the son of god".

I am all of those above as well.

Yes, I have loads of dreams and I am absolutely idealistic.

I think the danger of Gatsby is that he is really good at deluding himself.

And I realise that I have this talent too. I can easily close my eyes and ignore that the world is on fire if I have to.

As I read Great Gatsby, I cried because it was just so sad. It was sad how he craved people's acknowledgement and how that led it to his demise.

And at that point, I realise that this could be me too.

My biggest fear is that one day, I get so deluded, I cannot see what is important and real anymore.

I'm scared that I will be as deluded as Gatsby and as alone and as sad as he is.

I just hope that I won't.

That I will always remember to be grateful for what I have.
To always remember that the little things count
And to always remember that my friends and my family are what makes life quite wonderful.

I just hope I will remember.

Friday, April 8, 2016


Well, today I turned 23 year old.

It's kinda surreal.

Simply because I don't feel older.
I don't feel the years.

I just feel like me.

And that's all.

But this year, there isn't really a birthday celebration. I'm completely okay with that.
I'm not the type to care about one anyway.

However, whenever people messaged me or called me to wish me birthday, I do truly feel touched. Because it means they care and think of me.
So thank you.

I truly do have great friends and family. 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Stress and Retail therapy.

Well, with a month left on the clock to my exams. It's getting a little stressful. But the crappy thing about me is that the more stressed I get, the more I have to destress which is not really good. Because I really do need to focus on my studies.

I don't know why but lately, I started to go online shopping. 

I bought some stuff online. But that's alright because I do need those stuff.

When you are busy and can't really go out to buy stuff, online shopping is a life saver.

Honestly, I have never been a shopping person. 
I never found comfort in retail therapy unlike some girls.

To be honest, I have found shopping really annoying.
Mostly because I can't afford it and I can't find stuff that I like. 

Somehow, recently, I started looking at smartwatches. (I think I really like gadgets. hahaha)

I wanted something that would tell the time, tell me my steps, the calories I burned and give me notifications from my phone.

At first I looked at Fitbits and they were expensive.
Then, I started looking at cheaper alternatives.

And in the end, I actually managed to find one.

I never considered myself to be an impulsive shopper. I like to think of myself as a rational consumer.
Someone who thinks through her purchases.
Someone who is good with her money.

So I'm rather surprised that a huge part of me wants to just press the buy button. 

Funny fact is, I don't even wear watches normally.
But suddenly, I want a smart watch for my "exercising" reasons. 
I'm not sure how good my justifications are.

So I'm breathe. And give myself the normal one week cooling period whenever I make a big purchase.

This is the Vidonn X6. The smart watch that I found that suits my needs and pricetag. It costs about $124. 
Its functions is that it tells me the time, the steps I take, the calories I burned, the distance I walked and notifications from my phone.

Do you think I should buy it though?

Do I buy that smartwatch?

Poll Maker

Please vote and help me decide. And thanks for your help!!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

My exercise story.

Exercise and I always have an interesting relationship.

In the past, I have worked out before the point where I had toned arm muscles and I was so proud of that. Then, I stopped working out and my toned arm muscles disappeared.

Ever since then, I occasionally wanted to get back into shape and worked out. 
Back in high school, I joined karate-do and their warm ups and activities were rather intense. I would sweat heavily and be very sore. It was every Friday.

Then, during Alevels, I truly focused on my studies and forgot about exercising. I just really wanted to focus on my studies and found exercising annoying. I felt that I could use the exercising time for more studies.

Soon my degree came. I only exercised occasionally when I felt like it. I did want to be more fit but my motivation was not always there. I felt that the reason my motivation isn't there is because I only felt like being fit when it suited my mood. Depending on mood means that you won't do it consistently.

The main problem I have with exercise all this time is because every time I exercise, I do feel like hell. I will be breathless during exercising and I feel like shit but then after that, my muscles will be sore for a few days. That would make it feel like hell though. 

Hence, I usually am not very motivated for exercising.

But lately, I saw a friend who has been achieving her exercising goals. 

It made me go, why can't I stick to my exercising goals? Why is it so hard for me to exercise?

So that's when I decided, I want to exercise. I want to make this into a real habit. I want to achieve my own exercising goals.

Thus, recently, I set out an exercise regime. 15 minutes a day. Alternative days. Minimum 3 days a week. So far I have only been reaching the minimum.

However, oddly enough, exercising at home has been great.

Maybe it's because I never made it into a real routine before.

I chose alternate days to exercise because I wanted one day where my muscles could be sore and just heal.

But after doing this routine for a week or two, I feel oddly really good.

I'm really energetic and my muscles aren't sore. 

So, it's really good. 

I am surprised that I am really enjoying this new exercise routine. I even bought a new exercise mat. 

So yeah.

Cheers to that.