Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Decisions after decisions


This will be a rather serious and long post. So yea. I have warned ya~! Muahaha~!

Life is a series of decisions.

When we are younger, we don't quite see it.
Maybe because those decisions don't seem too important such as what to eat.

Even in university, those decisions didn't seem as heavy as it is now.
Such as what to study?
Even though choosing what to study was important as it did set the course for the future
But it was not earth shattering.
No matter what I studied, it didn't matter. After all, people could get jobs that weren't related to what they studied. The future can change.

And with that, I chose to study what I love.
Hence, it wasn't a really hard decision at all.

But now, these decisions are heavy.
Because it directly impacts the future.
Whatever I choose now will directly change my future path.
But then again, the thing about the future is that it's fluid.

It can always change if you don't like it and decide to change it.

Currently, I have made a decision to not further my studies.
I decided to stay in the working world.
Why?
Because I truly do enjoy the financial freedom it brings. I like the idea of controlling my finances and planning my life.
And studying would mean the end of that as I would probably be dependent again and whatever plans for the future that I have would probably be on hold. 

Honestly, I am not that patient. After all, I can always further my studies later when I find it necessary.

I think my main problem is that I am afraid of making a wrong mistake. Of taking the wrong turn. 
I don't want to waste time. After all, I already feel the clock ticking.

Even though I am aware that everyone is on a different time chart and path. I shouldn't compare. I should take my time and just enjoy the journey.
I know all this.
And yet sometimes, I just feel extremely frustrated and restless.

Second decision, I am not renewing this job contract after the year ends. 

Honestly, this is not a bad job. The people are great and the company is not bad. However, job scope wise, this is not what I want.
I don't hate my job.
But I don't love it either.

I guess the problem with my generation is that we were thought to chase our dreams, live our passion and be happy.
We forget that sometimes, this doesn't happen all the time.
We forget that we must find a dream and a passion.
We forget that we must sacrifice in order to achieve.

And when we are just mediocre, it feels like a curse because all our life, we were told we were special.

Frankly, I don't blame our parents. They wanted the best for us. They wanted us to believe that we could do anything if we put our heart and soul into something. And honestly, they aren't wrong.

But we forget that sometimes before you can run, you must learn to crawl and then to walk. 
And we forget, in that process we will fall.
And my, we are so afraid of falling.

Or maybe this is just relevant to me. It isn't my generation fault. It's mine.

I want more. 
But what more do I want?
Suddenly, I cannot answer.

I want to be happy and to go after my passion.
But ask me how to be happy and what is my passion.
Suddenly, I grow silent.

I know this requires me to figure out.
I been sitting and thinking this entire time. My mind churning. 
Although I managed to make two decisions already.
I still haven't made one more.

I haven't decided if I want to stay in this industry or leave it.

What industry am I in? Well, I studied economics and management. My job is currently an accounting one. But the industry I mean is related to economics and management such as finance.

If I do move away from this industry, I will move to either event management or to life coaching.

I was a coach in holiday camps as a teenager and it was something I have always enjoyed. And honestly, I could picture myself doing this for life. So I am fine with it.

As for event management, during those holiday camps, we would have to deal with the planning of the camp so I picked up a few event management skills along the way. And honestly, I enjoy it too. It's fun, insane and filled with adrenaline rush. Not sure if I can handle this all the time but it sure is fun. 

The reason why I am reluctant to move away from my industry is because I want to use the knowledge I acquire from degree. However, is that the job for me? I am still uncertain. 
After all, I do love money and I love the rush and bustle of trading. So yea.

I am still uncertain.

If you have stuck this long, I am now asking you. What should I decide? Help me? Thanks for sticking so long and most of all, thanks for helping me decide. 


What should I decide?

Stay in the current industry
Event management
Life coach

Friday, November 25, 2016

My transcript arrived.



so my transcript finally arrived. 

It's not my convocation but it means so much to me.

3 years worth of effort, tears, blood and sweat. And not to forget the thousand of dollars paid for it.

I saw it. 

And it was worth it.

I trembled as I held it.

I was full of pride.
I was full of joy.

It signify my success. My journey.

And it has been a great one.

Sadly, now it's time for a new journey.

What's next after my degree?

I have a job. Personally, I don't hate it.

But the question is what is my next move?

Honestly, I am still figuring that out.

It was slightly frustrating.

But in the end, I will just try to do all and since which will have the best results?

I know it sounds very flaky. 

But I trust the universe. And I trust its plan for me.

All this time, it has not failed me. In fact, it has helped and save me many times.

So I will trust it again. 

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Things that I never said.

I'm not the kind of person who posts things up about my relationship.
I don't know how to do it.
I'm just kind of private in that way.

When it comes to my love life, I only trust a handful of people. 
And these are the only people I talk about love life to.
Sometimes it's even hard to talk about it eventhough I do need people to talk about it.
It's weird. 

And I know why.

Because in the past, my "best friend" betrayed me pretty badly.

I used to tell all about the matters of my heart to my "best friend". 
And she was supposed to help me get together with this person.

In the end, even though she was in a relationship, she cheated on her partner with this person that she was supposed to help me in.

I am not even mad. Just sad that I got betrayed. 

And I think because of that I have trust issues in this regards so I won't quite tell others regarding this unless I really trust them.


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

NaNoWriMo 2016

Guess who just joined NaNoWriMo 2016 this year. 
Yup. Me. 

I know it might be tough because I will be working during the day. 
So I will only get to write during the night. 

To be honest, I am not sure if I will be able to reach my daily wordcount goals but I promise this though, I will definitely do my best. 

So yea. Anyway, all the best to me and other NaNoWriMo doers!!



 

 

Friday, October 21, 2016

Being a writer


Recently, I been getting ideas and inspirations for my stories.

Eventhough the timing is bad because I get these ideas at work, I am not the type of person who reject ideas.

My biggest fear as a writer has always been running out of ideas.

So whenever, I have a steady stream of ideas, I am very happy.

I been trying to get my ideas out.

It's hard to explain my creative process as a writer.

My stories are usually fueled by the characters. So my characters are very important to me.

My characters are usually born from emotions.

So my inspiration are usually from emotions. I get these emotions randomly. Sometimes through songs, sometimes random thoughts or books or movies.

I usually have to process these emotions. Put them into a character or see which emotion fit which character.
Then, from that, the characters will react to the emotions, creating the scenes. So for my stories, it is completely fueled by emotions.

I know it sounds complicated. But that's my process for creating my stories.

But if you were to ask me where exactly I get my ideas for my stories, I would say I don't know.

I would say, somehow, they just come to me. I won't even dare say they are completely my ideas because I feel like my ideas came from the universe.

They aren't exactly mine.

It's like having children.

You made them. Yes. 
But they don't belong to you.

They are their own person and you are a proud parent.

And being a writer is the same thing.

You are proud of your characters but I am aware I don't own them. They are alive and they will do what ever the hell they want.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Decision for now.



I was frustrated with my career recently.
Not because my job sucks.

But because I was still wondering what it is that I wanted.

Although I am still figuring that out.

I decided that I would do my best in my job.


Until December.

But when December comes, then, I will decide again.

Because I want to give this job time.

I wanna give this a chance.

So for now, this is my decision.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Where we are.

I may live to regret this post.
Or I may not.

I generally do not talk about my love life.
It's something I keep really quiet and tight on.
Only a few know. 
Very tiny few. 

But I'm writing this because this because we reached a point in our relationship.
And I think it's a pretty important point.

It's been a year and a few months since we been together officially.

And right now, I think we reached a really comfortable point.

We know each other much better now.
So in a way, we kinda reached that point where we can finish each other sentences.

Point is, we are very comfortable with each other.
I enjoy the fact that I can turn to him and talk to him about everything under the sun.

We tease, discuss and rebut each other points.

And it's just fun to be looking at someone and going, did you just become a good friend? 

And it's just great to have the person you love as your good friend.

I'm just glad.

I don't say best friend because that word and me somehow don't get along.
Best friends have always somehow turned out badly for me. So yea
So I don't want to say that word.