Friday, June 17, 2016

This is for the naysayers.


Well, in my life, there has been a few people who looked me in the eye and said that I couldn't do it.
They have said that I wasn't that kind of person.
Or that I required something because I was lacking.

AND GUESS, WHAT?
I am not lacking.
I can do whatever I want.

YOU CANNOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.

Don't come up to me and say, hey, that's just reality.
WRONG.
That's your crappy reality.

My reality is different.
My reality will not be defined by your reality.
My reality is what I define it to be.

I will make this life mine.
I will embrace this life.
I will make it good.
I will be do the best that I can.

This is a new beginning for me.

And I will do my best.

And I will make it good.

No, I will make it extraordinary.

And this will be my life. 
And I will forever be grateful for everything and everyone.


Friday, June 10, 2016

In need of a goal.


I definitely need a new goal
I know this is my holiday. My last holiday because if all goes well, I graduate.
I should be enjoying this last holiday.

Unfortunately, I am not.
It's odd.
I'm just not doing anything except coming online every day or going out with friends occasionally.

So I need a goal. To do something.
Or else, I will remain really bored for a really really long time.

I think I will make a list of what I want to do so that I can have a rough idea of what I want to do.


To do list for the holidays.

  • Write
  • Read
  • Learn to cook or bake
  • Learn to drive again

Right now, this is all I have in the list. I haven't done any of them yet but I think I should start soon. So yea. Let's have fun since this is my last holiday and all.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Storms.


I was just thinking of a rejection that I just got from companies regarding jobs and internships. Of course, it still stings a little. I think rejection will always sting a little to me.
But no matter what happens, I tell myself to get up. To stand tall and fight again. Life will close doors in my face. I am aware of that. But I have to remind myself that when life does that, I have to search for the open windows.

And if life shuts a door in my face, it just means that isn't the path I am meant to walk. I just have to find my path. If that takes a long time, I should still keep at it and never give up. 
People and the world can reject me all they want. But I must never stop believing that I am great and worth it or that my time to shine is coming. Because those are all true. 

I must never stop giving up. Because I been through storms before and I survived all of them. Not only did I survive, I come out of them, stronger and better every single time. Storms only built me up. 
So if I keep believing in myself while constantly putting in effort, I will reach my destination one day.

Even if my destination isn't the goal I wanted, I know I will be happy, better and stronger. Storms have never taken anything from me. If anything, it gave me this sense of power and strength of my own life and ability.

I still remember when I was younger. In high school, I used to think I was stupid. I was always that one who didn't study or do her homework. I claimed it was because I was a lazy ass. But really, it was because I was scared of failure. I didn't want to work hard and to be proven that I was stupid when my grades didn't improve despite my hard work.

Instead, I chose to slack. Be lazy. That way, even if my grades sucked, I was alright. After all, I didn't work for it. Soon, even among my group of high school friends, I was the "stupid one". And I believed that. High school didn't matter to me then. It was a prison and I was just waiting for it to be over. 

Alevels came. To be honest, I was very scared. Alevels was known to be hard. I wondered if I was crazy for choosing something so hard. But I wanted so much to study overseas back then and this was one way to achieve that. So I just forced myself to do it anyway. 

I still felt that I was stupid. I still felt that I would screw this up. But when my parents had to pay for my Alevels, I told myself that I had to atleast try. I had to atleast do my best. So I told myself to pretend. To pretend that I was the smartest student around and to behave like a smart student. And I did so.

I gained alot of pride while pretending. But at the same time, I began to really pay attention in class, take loads of notes down and constantly ask questions if I don't understand anything. Soon, I actually became one of the top in my class. Suddenly, I was "smart".

It was a surprise to me because all I did was pretend to be smart. Now, all of a sudden, I actually was. People came to me when they didn't understand something. I was known to be the smarter one. Lecturers love me. 

This was still all a shock to me because for years, I believed I was stupid and suddenly, I am not. It was insane. It took me a while to really realise that I was not stupid. Because at one point, I kept thinking this lie will end and I will be stupid again. But that didn't happen. So that is when I really realise that I wasn't stupid.

I thought I was on top of Alevels back then. But I was wrong. Because few months down the road, Alevels really became very hard. I almost broke. I could feel myself cracking. I could tell that I couldn't take any more pressure. I couldn't this. I wanted to so much to take a train and run away. Run far away as possible. I remember telling myself that if Alevels push me any further, I'll really break and go insane.

But Alevels pushed further despite me screaming for it to stop. Bit by bit, it pushed and bit by bit, I cracked more.
Finally, I thought I reached my limit. I thought this is the end. I'll go insane. 

Oddly enough, when Alevels pushed me past that limit, I didn't go insane. If anything, I felt liberated. I felt like I reached a whole new frontier. I felt like, I could keep going, faster, better and smarter. That really built my confidence because I felt brand new and I could keep going.

During Alevels, I felt like I was reaching my goals. I was so close that I could taste it and feel it. I thought I was there.

I would never forget how I thought I reached my goals and right before I touched it, I fell tumbling down into a vast darkness. In that darkness, I couldn't see my goal anymore. I was just stuck in this dark void of emptiness and most of all, I was alone. I felt like a god who was kicked out of heaven. 

I didn't reach my goals. I felt like I failed. Trust me, I wanted to die. Every day felt like suffering. I was angry and frustrated. Not many people knew about this because I was a good liar with people I'm not closed with. Only close friends knew about this. 

I continued to live but I walked around, existing. My raison d'etre stolen away from me. I was dead inside. 
And then, I started my degree. At first, I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to die because I felt like a huge failure from Alevels. I failed to achieve what I wanted. 

But I kept breathing and I allowed close friends to catch me when I fall. Slowly, bit by bit, I was rebuilding. I don't know how but one day, I woke up and I told myself, I survived my Alevels so I will survive my degree. Somehow, I started working on my degree.

As I kept working, I found myself surrounded by good company. Slowly, I began to actually be happy. I found myself loving what I was studying.

And I also tried to work hard for my degree. I admit that my first year results weren't great but I told myself I would work harder for my second year which I did. 

But what I am trying to say is, I survived every storm. I learn that I have friends who will catch me. I learn that I can rebuild and that I am stronger than I seem.

So the moral of the story is, never give up. Never fight a storm. Just endure. It will make you better. So just trust yourself. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Memory lane.


When my last paper for my degree final exam ended, my friend and I went back to our old college to collect our Alevels certificate. My friend and I never took it in the past.

To be honest, I was already having a pretty tough time dealing with the fact the moment my exams end, my student degree life has ended.
Because I know that I will miss this life.

I will miss my friends.
I will miss studying hard.
I will miss having a sense camaraderie with my friends.
I will miss aiming for the stars for my grades.
I will miss doing my best.

And it's over. It's sad.

Soon, real life will knock on my door. I would think about my career. 

And going back to my old college where I did my Alevels on the day my degree ends hits me quite hard.

To know that this part of my life is over.

But at the same time, going back to my old college didn't feel too bad. 
Staring at the building, only reminds how I used to come here every day.
Passing by the canteen, only reminds me how my friends and I used to eat here and laugh every day.

My old college was the same and yet different.
Same because the main buildings were still the same.
Different because they had renovated a little bit and the people were the different.

My old college used to be my second home. Studied there, ate there, laughed there and cried there. 
But it's over now.

My friend and I both stared at our old college and we both understood that this was a chapter that had passed.

Of course, we miss our Alevels once in a while but we no longer missed it so much. In a way, we moved on.

The college is filled new kids. Different kids. All with their hopes and dreams. Staring at them reminds us of us in the past. It's like staring into your past self.

The college is like a memory. 
Everything is the same and yet different.
And here we are.
And we accept that.

So much has happened in the past and we got here now.
So much good.

For my friend and I, Alevels was when we got real with life. A blank slate to start our lives fresh. To finally be what we want to be and to choose the kind of person we want to be.

Alevels was a great time in my life. When I started, I was scared but I had hopes and dreams. Insecure but I knew what I wanted. And for the first time in my life, I chased my dreams. 
I broke limits in my head.
I dreamt harder.
I stopped letting fear hold me back.
And I held on to friends that will catch me when I fall.

Alevels made me the person I am today and I found the family that I needed. 

It was a good time but it ended.
Just like how my degree life ends too.

It's crazy how things end and a new chapter begins.

I think it's hard because this chapter has been great. And it's always hard to leave a great chapter into a chapter that is unknown yet.

But cheers to life.

Because I decided long ago that I will make the best of every chapter. Make every chapter as good as I can.

So here to me and my life.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Raw Past.


This post might be long, raw and real. Just a warning. I just heard songs and it reminded of my past. Or rather, what I used to be.

The song talked about having anger. I remember having loads of anger when I was younger. I never quite understood it. It's not like I had a bad family. I didn't and they love me and everything.
But anger was real.
It was like there was a fire in my chest. 
I was just angry.

And honestly, I hated being angry. Because that is when I would make the most stupid decision. I have always regretted every decision I made in anger.

I never understood why I had so much anger.
Anger was like my primary emotion. I didn't get sad when people hurt me. I get angry. Anything happens, anger would come out. 

And in this world, it seemed like anger was a bad emotion. So I hated myself for having so much of it. For not being able to control it. When I was younger, anger was like fire. It only spread everywhere and I watched it burn. I could do nothing to stop it.

It's like watching yourself burning things. You are staring at yourself and you are yelling, begging to stop. But the one burning isn't listening. There was nothing you could do but stare at the damage you caused.

I hated my anger for a long time. The world didn't like people with anger. Or worse, little girls aren't supposed to be angry. They are supposed to be happy little angels. But I wasn't. I was angry. Angry all the time. What was I angry at? I had no idea and I never figured it out. 

So I got good at wearing a mask. Building walls and putting people at a distance. Because no one wants to see anger. It's ugly. So I hide it deep it inside me. But I was young so I didn't have much control. So I was still angry. So every once in a while, the anger will flare out. People will be surprised and I would hate myself so much for flaring out because I should have control over my own anger.

Those were hard times. But lucky me, I watched shows and there were a few characters on TV or movies that had anger like me. So much anger. And for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. Because like me, they hated their anger and had no idea to control it.

But the past was hard for me. Because as a young person, my emotions were everywhere and I didn't know how to handle that. 

What made things worse were, I was trying so hard to fit in. 
But clearly, I didn't fit in at all.
People said many things about me and it weren't nice.

If you ask me now, I can't remember their exact words or who said these words. But I just remember hearing them. I remember how I had to pretend to smile and pretend it didn't hurt. I had to pretend I didn't hear or that I didn't understand. 

So I wore an even thicker mask. Build taller walls. And hide inside them. Because it was safer in there and no one could hurt me if they didn't know my weakness. I constantly told myself, "Don't let them see you hurt. Don't let them see you cry. Don't let them see you sad. Don't let them win.

I was just good at pretending that I was alright despite the fact that my self esteem corroded. I hated myself back then.

But no matter how much I hated myself, my self esteem wasn't destroyed completely. Because no matter what, I knew one thing about myself. I was going to go places. I was going to make it big. I would be successful in the future. So successful that they would regret ever being mean to me.

Personally, to me, this doesn't matter now. I just want to find happiness in my life. Live the life I always dreamed of. 

Good thing is, high school ended.

And Alevels begun. In Alevels, I got a fresh start. So I decided to go differently. Be a different person. Be who I want to be but never got to become back in high school.

It was great in Alevels. I learnt more about myself and found wonderful friends that would support me.
Ever since then, I kept working at my own recovery. I learnt to love myself alot more. I also learn to love people and my life. 

So yea.

What I am trying to say is, life will suck and it will have hard times. But you will be alright. You can get better. I certainly did.

This smile, this upbeat positive attitude I have, it did not come because I didn't have hardship. But it was because I did have. I choose to be positive and happy. Because that's how I want to live the rest of my life. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

The thing about having only one exam as a method of evaluation.


This might be a long post but this is just a tiny rant. I been keeping this rant in me for some time now. But now that my finals have arrived, I decided to rant this out.

My course only has one exam as a method of evaluation. One exam per subject. No assignments. No presentations. Just one exam.

Some people think, wow, that's amazing. You guys can slack all year long and then study like a month or two before the exams. What an amazingly easy course. 

Obviously, this makes me mad.
Because it's not easy.
And no, you can't slack all year long then study a month or two before the exams. If you do that, you will fail. Trust me.

Having one exam is tough. It truly is.
Our syllabus is long and deep. 
We can spend a whole year studying it and yet, when it comes to the exam day, we aren't quite sure if we are fully prepared.
But the crazy thing, if you asks us when we will ever be prepared? I don't think we ever would be. So we just take it in our stride and go for our exams.

One exam is tough because you have to plan your own studies. You are on your own. No one to tell you to study. No one to tell you what your progress is. No signs of how well you are doing or how bad you are doing. You just have to do it and hope for the best.

If there are no lecturers or no good lecturers, you have to self study. So that means pacing yourself. Setting your own schedule and following it.

Then, there is the stress levels. Because somedays, you will wake up and you will completely overwhelmed. You will feel like there's too much to study and it's too hard. You will feel like you can't do it. 
But somehow, you will have to pull yourself together. 
You have to remember to breathe and just do it.

You will feel alone because it's the subject matter and you.
And if you are lucky, you will have great friends by your side who are studying the same course as you and they will be your support. They will be your reminder that you can carry on.

You will learn about yourself. On how discipline you are. On how you handle your stress levels. 

This course will test you. Stretch you and push you. 

You will ask yourself why you are doing this. And you will remember why you are doing this.

The thing about having only one exam is that there is no one to tell you how you are doing and if what you are doing is the right thing.

And you only have one day to prove that you been studying all year long. One year worth of work put on one day. It's heavy and harsh and unfair.

You can study consistently through out the year. And all it takes is a cold, or a fever or the fact that you let your nerves take over you that it paralyzes you on the exam day. Just like that, your grade will go down the train. 

That's tremendous stress right there.

The exam itself is tremendous stress. You stare at the question paper. Your biggest fear would be that you are unable to answer anything because the examiners decided to go crazy hard that year.

The exam tests on how you handle yourself in tremendous stress. It also tests your time management. 

And then, you leave the exam hall, hoping that what you have done would be enough. 

So no. One exam only is not easy and no you can't slack all year.

But the rewarding thing about my course is, it gives you immense confidence. You know you are the best out there. You know you can stand tall. You know you can take pressure. You know you can handle yourself in insane situation. And you know you are intelligent and worth it. 
Because you did this. And if you can survive this, you can survive anything. 

So this is also a reminder to me that I can do this. I just need to breathe and keep calm.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Body positive.

One good thing I really like about exercising so far is feeling very body positive. 

To be honest, for me, feeling body positive is a nice thing. Maybe because in my past, which was during my high school period, I didn't have much body positive feelings.

I always believed that the body is a temple and we should care for it.
And honestly, exercising and eating healthy does that.

But it's only recently that I made exercise part of a regime so I am only feeling the effects now.

I actually feel really good about my body. I feel healthy and I feel great. I love that.

Back in high school, people didn't say nice things about my body. They said terrible things about my hair, my teeth, my lips and so many things.

Even though what they say actually shouldn't matter, but their words slowly drip into my mind, staining it completely. Hence they contributed to the negative feelings I have of my body.

So there was a moment in my life where I really didn't like what I see in the mirror. Because of that, I avoided mirrors, taking pictures and so many things.

I tried not to laugh or smile too hard so that people won't see my horrendous teeth. 
I tried to do other stuff too so that people don't see what it is that I hate about my body.
But in the end, it failed. 
Because there is only so long that you can try to laugh less or smile less. And eventually I stopped doing that.

But the negative feelings I have for my body never quite went away.

I know people do not understand how I could possible have body negative feelings. I wasn't ugly nor am I fat.

And yet, I didn't want to be in pictures or wear certain clothes.

But I did have body negative feelings. Like a ghost, it haunted me, telling me what I cannot wear and how horrible I look in all of them.

Let me be honest here, I have a great sense of fashion. I know that. Why? Because everything I like is tasteful, classy and expensive. So yea.

But I never managed to fully dress to reflect my great sense of fashion. All of a sudden, on myself, I just couldn't wear the clothes my fashion sense demand. But for people, I can help them choose their clothes.

I been trying hard to counter my body negative feelings for a long time. It started with cosplay and little pushes to other clothes that are out of my comfort zone. 

And slowly, my body negative feelings have turned to body neutral feelings. Personally, I felt that it was great progress. 

With exercise now, I feel absolutely have turned from body neutral feelings to body positive feelings.

And honestly, it feels so great. I really wished I had felt this way from the start instead of having body negative feelings. But no matter. 

What matters is, I feel great now.

Anyway, the moral of this is that, good things can happen eventually. It just takes alot of time and effort. 

So be patient.

This is also a reminder to myself to be patient because I am actually a rather impatient person. So yea.