Saturday, August 1, 2015

Grateful for everything.

I been thinking about my life alot and how things are so different are.

I won't lie. Of course, I do miss my past every once in a while. I miss how carefree things were and maybe how my friends seemed more supportive because at that time, we were all free and we are just up in each other faces. So it was nice to have people to share things with.

At first, I felt a little lonely because I felt that I didn't really have anyone to share certain things. 
That was how I started to miss things.

But then again, as time passes by, things changed a bit.

I realized that I did have good friends. And honestly, I am grateful for them. This lead me to think about my life. 
In that moment, I begin to realize how good my life. So, I feel extremely grateful.

I'm having the time of my life. Learning things I love. Discovering new experiences. Hanging out with friends that I love their company.
Everything is good.

My life is only beginning and so much can happen from here on.

I know life is going to get harder because once I decide my career or figure what I need to do, it'll be hard because there will be priorities and time will be tight.

So yea.

Not everyone gets a front row seat to my life. But to those who do, they may be the unconventional bunch to get a front row seat, but I value them tremendously.

Friday, July 24, 2015

New experiences.

So many things in my life right now are new experiences.

And with so many new experiences, you only learn more about yourself.

It's never really about what happens externally but what happens internally.

Because what will happen will happen.

But what you do about it though is a different story.

Funny thing is, I'm learning more about myself each day. 

Some days feels like a struggle. 
Other days don't feel too bad.

But there is ups and downs.

Like I will be honest, my internship has been hard on me. Personally, there are moments where I prefer to be dead than to be it.
So I will admit that I am entertaining the thoughts of quitting.
Whether or not I will quit for real, that is a different story.

I know many will call me a crybaby for being a whiny piece of shit.
Maybe I am.
Maybe I am not.
I do not know.
But do not judge me.

My feelings are valid and that is what matters.

But I been in a bad mood lately. 
So things haven't been great.
However, I am so lucky. 
Whenever I have hard moments, people are there for me. 
So I am exceptionally grateful for that.

But then again, there are little moments in life that also makes everything so worth it. So I am alive and grateful for that.

Friday, July 17, 2015


I am not sure if I'll ever regret this post. But I guess I'll post it anyway. Be warned though. It might get really lovey dovey because this is a post about love. And it might be long too. haha.

I fell in love and I am in a relationship right now.

It's funny actually how it all happened. It was a little insane. And the funny thing is, this was all completely unexpected. I did not see it coming at all. It just swept from under my feet and the next thing I know is that I am already tumbling into fate's plan.

When I first met him, all I know is that I didn't know how important he would be. People always say that you would know immediately when you meet significant other.Did I know? Yes and no, I guess. People talk about that electric zing that they had. But for me, it was not something like that at all.

If anything, it was a little odd. Even when I first met him, I felt comfortable. Very comfortable. It was as if I found home. A home that I didn't know existed. I remembered how we talked like absolutely close friends the first time we met. It was not awkward or anything. People who saw us that time would really assume that we were good old friends. I was surprised at how easy it was.

Because I have met many new people before and I have never felt that way. It's usually awkward at first and then, you slowly get used to them. That was how it always worked. But not this time. 

But honestly, I understand now why love songs are so annoyingly sweet. Because that is really how it feels. 

I never understood why girls often got clingy or jealous but for the first time I do. I used to say that I would never be that sort of girlfriend but haha, famous last words. But if you are in a healthy relationship, you wouldn't feel too clingy or jealous. The only reason you are able to feel not too clingy or jealous is because you know he is only looking at you and that's all that matters.

I'm glad that it's him. I'm glad that he's the one that has my heart because he's the sweetest, kindest and nicest person ever. I really like how thoughtful and observant he is.

But honestly, for the longest time, I thought being in love was someone was not quite possible for me. Because for the longest time, I just didn't think that anyone could love me because I was so different. I am so dynamic and crazy. I was beginning to accept that as a fact and this changes everything.

Anyway, what I want to say is, love doesn't hurt. Love is kind and it's gentle. So if it ever hurts, know one thing, get out. Because it's not suppose to hurt.

For me and him, I feel like we are in sync and on the same wavelength. It's scary really because I can be thinking something and then, he would say it and that was exactly what I was thinking.

However, we are both very aware that this could all end. But for now, we would just enjoy the right.

Oh, another thing I want to say is, love someone who makes you feel like the world. When you look into their eyes and you can see their sincerity. Love someone who only sees you and nothing else. And love them back like nothing else matters. Because when you love someone, it's not that their flaws disappear. You see it but it doesn't matter because it's them you care about.

Hopefully I can inspire and motivate him like he has to me. And that's all I wish for.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Internship week 2

I guess this is where you can say being an intern in a small firm is good. The reason for this is because they actually make you do real things.

As an intern, I was expecting to be the coffee carrier, file arranger and photostating person.
But to my surprise, I am actually auditing right now. I know I am in the audit department but I didn't expect to actually audit.

Well, they give me the easier companies to do.

Nonetheless, it's still complicated because I have never audited before. So all this is really really new to me.

I guess being an intern is challenging because you are staring at unfamilliar things and they expect you to know and do things. But I'm just staring at it and going,, what?

I would prefer preparing the whole accounts by scratch than to audit because it's actually very complicated and tedious.

But the good thing about being an intern is that I am definitely challenging myself. Personally, I admit that I am a person who has a hard time accepting new things at times. All this is new to me. So it's unfamilliar. A huge part of me is internally screaming because it's hard and I really don't want to do it.

I just don't want to screw up and look like a fool. I want something easier.
But having easier things is silly because it means I am not learning.

So I have to fight the internal battles I have in my head. I have to keep telling myself to focus and to let myself take things one step at a time.

My senior is a nice person but the problem is she goes off so fast and she expects to understand her immediately. But I don't. My brain needs time processing this.

So now I know that in the future, my first job might be rough in the beginning because I'm still learning the ropes because the real working world is different from the theories we learn in our textbook. I learnt accounting but not auditing though. So all this is both foreign and yet not foreign to me.

But if I can handle this internship, it only goes to show I can handle anything in the future.
I'm glad that I chose to do internship because now I get a taste of what the future may be so I can prepare myself.

I know my internship is relatively short and I might still be very bad at auditing even when my internship ends. But no matter. What matters is that all of this is a learning experience.

I have forgotten what it's like to fight off my internal screaming and now I am remembering. It's hard but I can do this. 
I'm not going to give up no matter how much I just want to flip tables.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Internship week 1.

One week of internship has passed.
And how was it?

I have always heard people say to me, Carmen oh Carmen, what do you know? Working life is hard. Harder than you think.

Maybe I can't say much yet because it has only been my first week.

But is working hard? Is it as unbearable as some people make it out to be?
I am in a small accounting firm.
Most people say that being an accountant is the most boring thing ever.

Well, what do I say to this?

I say that it's bullshit.

Work is hard because there are things that you actually have to do and it actually requires effort.
But mostly, it's because I miss having my time to myself. And now, my time belongs to the firm and I can't do what I like such as napping or going online.

But at the same time, I feel productive. Like I am actually doing something important that helps out.
I am only an intern so I don't really get to do the big important stuff. I am just given simple tasks that most people don't want to do because it's tedious and tiring.
Currently, I am just proof reading tax claims documents.

However, despite doing the simple tasks such as this, I don't feel bored or anything. To me, everything is a learning experience. I find it exciting to see how the accounting I learnt in my textbook being applied in real life. I hear phone calls from my colleagues to their clients and they speak the things that I have read in my textbooks and I found that really really cool.

To be honest, I really wished that I was an intern in a big huge accounting firm. But then again, it's okay. Because internship is about learning and as long as I am learning, it's all good. 

Working isn't hard to me for now. It's interesting. A new phase in my life that will be coming soon.
So now, I realized that I have to probably think hard about what I want from my career and how to achieve that.
I'd probably would have to schedule a meeting with my lecturer one day and talk to him.

So yea. 

So far, so good.

Friday, June 26, 2015


In a way, my holiday is ending.

Well, it's not because my school is starting. But it's because I have internship and internship is working.

During our school period, a few of my classmates started planning for their three months break. A few of them were talking about internships and honestly, it wasn't a bad idea. 
There were also other things that was being thrown around such as travelling and summer schools. All of which aren't bad at all.

I was really torn between summer schools and internships. Sadly, summer schools was way too expensive so instantly, I had to choose internships.

I thought an internship would look good on my resume. 

I applied to big firms and I got rejected by a few of them while some of my classmates got accepted. It kinda sucks getting rejected but I suppose that is apart of life. 

I should be used to rejections by now but it still hurts.

But luckily for me, my dad knows people who owns small accounting firms so I ended up getting an internship anyway.

Funny thing is, now that my internship comes closer, I feel quite reluctant. I don't really want to work. 
I still want to enjoy my summer. I want the wind in my hair and a day out in the sun. I just wanna have fun. Even if it means just staying in my house and doing nothing. 

But since I have to do this internship, I would do it.

But I made up my mind that next year, my last summer break, I am definitely gonna enjoy all three months of it to the last drop.

I enjoyed my summer break in my first year even if I didn't really go anywhere. I really used that time to reenergize. I met up with friends and catch up. I ate good food. I slept well. I indulged in books and anime. I even wrote. I had loads of fun.
Eventhough I know that those activities won't be nice on my resume but the point is, I thoroughly enjoyed myself in that three months.

But funnily enough, last year, I asked myself if I should be productive in my next summer break. Well, here I am, going to be productive. And I am somewhat wishing that I don't have to. hahaha.

Oh well.

But I will do my best in my internship and just try to have fun.

I did say that this will be an awesome summer and I intend to make this come true.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Bad hair days are real.

I haven't had a bad hair day in a long time.
And funnily enough, today, I had a bad hair day.

By bad hair day, I mean, it's a day where nothing goes right.

Today, I just ended up wasting time and being absolutely mad. 

And just I thought I could run away and forget it by going back home, guess what happened.
There was no electricity.

So I ended up sitting in the heat, fanning myself, wondering why this is happening.

Oh well, I guess bad hair days are real.

But thankfully, the electricity is back.