Friday, April 22, 2016

Body positive.

One good thing I really like about exercising so far is feeling very body positive. 

To be honest, for me, feeling body positive is a nice thing. Maybe because in my past, which was during my high school period, I didn't have much body positive feelings.

I always believed that the body is a temple and we should care for it.
And honestly, exercising and eating healthy does that.

But it's only recently that I made exercise part of a regime so I am only feeling the effects now.

I actually feel really good about my body. I feel healthy and I feel great. I love that.

Back in high school, people didn't say nice things about my body. They said terrible things about my hair, my teeth, my lips and so many things.

Even though what they say actually shouldn't matter, but their words slowly drip into my mind, staining it completely. Hence they contributed to the negative feelings I have of my body.

So there was a moment in my life where I really didn't like what I see in the mirror. Because of that, I avoided mirrors, taking pictures and so many things.

I tried not to laugh or smile too hard so that people won't see my horrendous teeth. 
I tried to do other stuff too so that people don't see what it is that I hate about my body.
But in the end, it failed. 
Because there is only so long that you can try to laugh less or smile less. And eventually I stopped doing that.

But the negative feelings I have for my body never quite went away.

I know people do not understand how I could possible have body negative feelings. I wasn't ugly nor am I fat.

And yet, I didn't want to be in pictures or wear certain clothes.

But I did have body negative feelings. Like a ghost, it haunted me, telling me what I cannot wear and how horrible I look in all of them.

Let me be honest here, I have a great sense of fashion. I know that. Why? Because everything I like is tasteful, classy and expensive. So yea.

But I never managed to fully dress to reflect my great sense of fashion. All of a sudden, on myself, I just couldn't wear the clothes my fashion sense demand. But for people, I can help them choose their clothes.

I been trying hard to counter my body negative feelings for a long time. It started with cosplay and little pushes to other clothes that are out of my comfort zone. 

And slowly, my body negative feelings have turned to body neutral feelings. Personally, I felt that it was great progress. 

With exercise now, I feel absolutely have turned from body neutral feelings to body positive feelings.

And honestly, it feels so great. I really wished I had felt this way from the start instead of having body negative feelings. But no matter. 

What matters is, I feel great now.

Anyway, the moral of this is that, good things can happen eventually. It just takes alot of time and effort. 

So be patient.

This is also a reminder to myself to be patient because I am actually a rather impatient person. So yea.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

My biggest fear.

One of my goals is to be more real and raw. To discuss how I feel so I am going to do that with this post.

What is my biggest fear?

Honestly, my biggest fear is to turn out like Gatsby from the book, The Great Gatsby. 

What do I mean by that?

Gatsby is literally me. As in, he is ambitious, idealistic and wants so much more than he can ever have. He is so willing to chase what he wants that he is able to forget his past and where he comes from. He can even delude himself into thinking that he is somehow "the chosen one" or "the son of god".

I am all of those above as well.

Yes, I have loads of dreams and I am absolutely idealistic.

I think the danger of Gatsby is that he is really good at deluding himself.

And I realise that I have this talent too. I can easily close my eyes and ignore that the world is on fire if I have to.

As I read Great Gatsby, I cried because it was just so sad. It was sad how he craved people's acknowledgement and how that led it to his demise.

And at that point, I realise that this could be me too.

My biggest fear is that one day, I get so deluded, I cannot see what is important and real anymore.

I'm scared that I will be as deluded as Gatsby and as alone and as sad as he is.

I just hope that I won't.

That I will always remember to be grateful for what I have.
To always remember that the little things count
And to always remember that my friends and my family are what makes life quite wonderful.

I just hope I will remember.

Friday, April 8, 2016


Well, today I turned 23 year old.

It's kinda surreal.

Simply because I don't feel older.
I don't feel the years.

I just feel like me.

And that's all.

But this year, there isn't really a birthday celebration. I'm completely okay with that.
I'm not the type to care about one anyway.

However, whenever people messaged me or called me to wish me birthday, I do truly feel touched. Because it means they care and think of me.
So thank you.

I truly do have great friends and family. 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Stress and Retail therapy.

Well, with a month left on the clock to my exams. It's getting a little stressful. But the crappy thing about me is that the more stressed I get, the more I have to destress which is not really good. Because I really do need to focus on my studies.

I don't know why but lately, I started to go online shopping. 

I bought some stuff online. But that's alright because I do need those stuff.

When you are busy and can't really go out to buy stuff, online shopping is a life saver.

Honestly, I have never been a shopping person. 
I never found comfort in retail therapy unlike some girls.

To be honest, I have found shopping really annoying.
Mostly because I can't afford it and I can't find stuff that I like. 

Somehow, recently, I started looking at smartwatches. (I think I really like gadgets. hahaha)

I wanted something that would tell the time, tell me my steps, the calories I burned and give me notifications from my phone.

At first I looked at Fitbits and they were expensive.
Then, I started looking at cheaper alternatives.

And in the end, I actually managed to find one.

I never considered myself to be an impulsive shopper. I like to think of myself as a rational consumer.
Someone who thinks through her purchases.
Someone who is good with her money.

So I'm rather surprised that a huge part of me wants to just press the buy button. 

Funny fact is, I don't even wear watches normally.
But suddenly, I want a smart watch for my "exercising" reasons. 
I'm not sure how good my justifications are.

So I'm breathe. And give myself the normal one week cooling period whenever I make a big purchase.

This is the Vidonn X6. The smart watch that I found that suits my needs and pricetag. It costs about $124. 
Its functions is that it tells me the time, the steps I take, the calories I burned, the distance I walked and notifications from my phone.

Do you think I should buy it though?

Do I buy that smartwatch?

Poll Maker

Please vote and help me decide. And thanks for your help!!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

My exercise story.

Exercise and I always have an interesting relationship.

In the past, I have worked out before the point where I had toned arm muscles and I was so proud of that. Then, I stopped working out and my toned arm muscles disappeared.

Ever since then, I occasionally wanted to get back into shape and worked out. 
Back in high school, I joined karate-do and their warm ups and activities were rather intense. I would sweat heavily and be very sore. It was every Friday.

Then, during Alevels, I truly focused on my studies and forgot about exercising. I just really wanted to focus on my studies and found exercising annoying. I felt that I could use the exercising time for more studies.

Soon my degree came. I only exercised occasionally when I felt like it. I did want to be more fit but my motivation was not always there. I felt that the reason my motivation isn't there is because I only felt like being fit when it suited my mood. Depending on mood means that you won't do it consistently.

The main problem I have with exercise all this time is because every time I exercise, I do feel like hell. I will be breathless during exercising and I feel like shit but then after that, my muscles will be sore for a few days. That would make it feel like hell though. 

Hence, I usually am not very motivated for exercising.

But lately, I saw a friend who has been achieving her exercising goals. 

It made me go, why can't I stick to my exercising goals? Why is it so hard for me to exercise?

So that's when I decided, I want to exercise. I want to make this into a real habit. I want to achieve my own exercising goals.

Thus, recently, I set out an exercise regime. 15 minutes a day. Alternative days. Minimum 3 days a week. So far I have only been reaching the minimum.

However, oddly enough, exercising at home has been great.

Maybe it's because I never made it into a real routine before.

I chose alternate days to exercise because I wanted one day where my muscles could be sore and just heal.

But after doing this routine for a week or two, I feel oddly really good.

I'm really energetic and my muscles aren't sore. 

So, it's really good. 

I am surprised that I am really enjoying this new exercise routine. I even bought a new exercise mat. 

So yeah.

Cheers to that.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Social media

A friend of mine was tagged in a post. In that post, it stated that she was in a relationship with this person. 
I wished her congratulations.

But somehow this made me think. 

There's nothing wrong with posting on social media. I'm myself post on social media often. (Especially twitter).

But it made me think though.

Am I in the generation or times where if it's not on social media or in pictures, it did not happen and hence, it's not real?

I been told before, if there's no pictures and you didn't post it online, it didn't happen.

But it did happen. 
So just because I didn't show the world, it didn't matter?

I dislike how I personally sometimes look to social media for validation. I'm still working on this. Hence, I don't always post but I still post occasionally. I'm trying to find a good balance.

I just don't like how we go, if it's not on social media, it didn't happen.

Look, not everything needs to be on social media.
Some things can be kept private.

For me, I remember that when I went for trips, I just told my close friends. I barely took any pictures (maybe I should have taken one or two pictures just for memory sake). But I did enjoyed myself completely. Anyhow, I didn't post any pictures on social media.

As for relationships, when it first happened, I only told the friends that were in my inner circle, hence, they already knew what was up. They kinda even knew who I was into and what I was going to do. So when it happened, they were the first to know. 

Slowly, a month in, I told my other friends. I also told it on social media subtly. You would have to pay attention to realise. But I didn't make a big post where I announced that I was in a relationship. It was subtle and not all my friends were on that social media platform too so not everyone knew.

But then again, that's just me. I'm more private.

I constantly think about social media and how it has affected us. 

How some of us look to it for validation.
But at the same time, some of us look to it to truly stay connected with other friends because there is a real physical distance between us. 

So I can't deny the good that social media has done. 
I also cannot that it may have caused other issues but that's not social media's fault. 

It's more like our fault and how we perceive it. 
So yea. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Feelings from the past?

Before I start, I want to warn you that this is gonna be a long post filled with possible anger, rants and just emotions. So yea. Beware~!

Anyway, I was just thinking about the past again because someone mentioned a name from the past that I haven't heard in a long, long while.

So, that obviously brought me back to high school times because that was when it happened.

Like I said before in the past, I wasn't a fan of high school because I had some tough times there but to say that it was all bad is false. Because I did have good times. It's a bittersweet time. 

So I was just thinking about my ex-best friend. To be honest, for a while, I felt that I have moved on because I felt like I have forgiven her and it didn't hurt anymore when I thought of her.

And then, one day, she got tagged in a mutual friend's facebook post so she was on my facebook timeline. Looking at it, I felt somewhat hurt and attacked. Suddenly, I realise that maybe I haven't moved on. 

It was a weird feeling. 

On one hand, I felt okay that she was living her life. Good for her. It was funny how we used to be so close and now, we are strangers.

But on another hand, I felt anger bubbling. I didn't want to see her ever again. Not even on facebook. I don't want to know how she is doing. 

I pondered hard on how I felt.

Because I know I have forgiven her. I don't blame her for what she did in the past. I don't blame her for cutting me so deep. For hurting me. It's okay. It happened and it's over. It's done.

I don't reject this part of my history. I accept that in the past, I let her hurt me.

A friend told me, maybe I don't want to see her because she remind me of a past that I don't want to remember. Because eventhough it didn't hurt anymore, it still sucks to know that you were hurt by her. I thought maybe she was right. But then again, if I truly moved on, won't it not hurt anymore? Shouldn't I be okay?

So I thought longer. It took me a while.

But maybe, I still feel a little slighted. To see her living a happy life. To know that she can cause so much pain and yet, there she is laughing happily, living her life. Maybe it hurts to know that the person who hurt you can be laughing happily while you have to pick up the pieces of your life and recover.

Eventhough I am much stronger now, I still feel that it's a little unfair that she's happy. It's just not fair that she's not paying for her crimes. It's like the universe is letting her off the hook and it's not just fair.

But then again, I told myself this a long time ago, that all her suffering in the world won't pay me back. Her pain will not make my pain okay. It won't make it go away. Only I can make my own pain go away. So frankly, I don't care if she is in pain or is suffering. It doesn't matter to me.

And that's why I vow to try to not bring pain to people's life. To leave light and hope instead. Because there's already so much pain in this world.

So I thought harder.

And then I realise one thing. 

Maybe, eventhough I have forgiven her, I haven't forgiven myself. And seeing her randomly on my facebook, reminds me that I allowed myself to be in pain. 

Maybe I have not forgiven myself for allowing her to hurt me. 

I felt that maybe this is the right answer. I have forgiven her but I never talked about forgiving myself. I never talked about accepting that I was young and silly and trusted her way too much. 

So maybe, it is myself that I need to forgive. It's myself that I need to love more.

That's what I learnt from this, that I need to love myself a lot more.

But in all honesty, I am glad that she is happy with whatever it is she's doing. But I am also glad we live in our own circles and that our circles don't meet for now.

However, I would be curious what her reaction would be if she ever saw me again. But that doesn't matter.

When I think of the past, sometimes I am just amazed how different things are. How she and I used to promise that we would be there for each other forever. But now, we aren't even facebook friends. 
It's just crazy how different the future could be.

And because of that, I look forward to what my future will bring me.

I often wonder what would my future self say or do if she saw me now? Would she smile and say, "You're gonna turn out just fine."
Or would she sigh and say, "Man, you need to work on the decisions you made."

I have no idea. I hope it's the first one though.

Anyway, cheers to the past for it made us what we are today.
But a toast to the future because it's land of dreams.
And a clap to the present because that's where we are and where we can do our best while living our lives.