Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Dear me,


I watched an anime where a girl managed to write a letter to her past self of ten years. True, that's not possible in reality but the concept of that is interesting. She wrote to her ten years younger self to avoid her regrets. She wanted her past self to change certain decisions in the past so that her current self won't have any regrets.

Personally, I wouldn't want to tell my past self to change her decisions to avoid regrets. Do I have regrets? Yes. But I won't change them because I learnt from them. And that has been grow as a person. So I don't quite regret that.

However, if I could write a letter to my past self, it would be fun. If I were to write to my ten years younger self, that would be my 13 year old self. And this is what I would love to say.

Dear me,

Hello there. This is your 23 year old self. I know, it's unbelievable. You can barely imagine yourself at that age currently. 
I still remember being 13. Vaguely. My memory isn't that great.

But I remember you being excited for high school because you get to go to a bigger school. You finally feel like you are at school because your primary school was small and tiny. I still remember you entering your class, feeling brand new. I remember people praising you for being smart because you managed to make it into the top classes. But I also remember you treating that as a lie because you always felt like luck brought you here instead.

I also remember that you couldn't wait to grow up. You have so many dreams, hopes and aspirations. Did any of them come true? Wouldn't you like to know? All I can say is yes and no. 

So much will happen to you. You will hurt and cry but you will also smile and laugh. You will feel the extreme ends of both happiness and sadness. 
The good moments will be beyond your wildest dreams.
And the bad moments would be a shock to your system. 

But either way, you will grow from all of it. You will get better. You will grow into a better person. I may be 10 years older than you but even I'm not done growing yet. I'm still growing myself. 

I don't want to spoil you much on your own life because it wouldn't be fair as I didn't get any spoilers. Do I want spoilers though? No. I want to get my life path, on my own.

All I can say is, you're young. You're innocent. You're the rawness of it all. You are the metal before an armour or sword is made. So much potential but it's not pushed or used yet.

I remember you being eager to take on the world. Proclaiming that the world would be yours. You felt ready to face the world. This is something I love about you. I wish you remember this feeling. Remember your promise to yourself of how the world is yours. Because tough things will happen and you will, sometimes, forget that you are made of steel. You will sometimes forget that once, you promised yourself the world. 

You're kind but naive. Yes, I know you hate being called that. But at this age, that is the truth. I say naive because you think well of everything and that no harm will come to you. That's not quite true. Bad or mean things can happen even if you were kind all these while. You help and you give so much away. Nothing wrong with that. I don't regret this. I just wish that you remember to take care of yourself once in a while. 

As for your dreams, yes, let's talk about your favourite thing. Dreams. Oh, how you love them. You dream of the stars, sun and moon. You dream and dream. At this stage, you think you know you want. You think you know what you want your life to be. Truth is, at 23, I can't claim to know. But those dreams that you dream your life to be, those are still my dreams. That much, haven't change.

Do I still want that amazing ass apartment? Yes.
Do I still want that great job that gives you an office that has a wonderful view of the city? Also still yes.
Do I still love Ikea? Yes, I still do. People will hate me for that opinion. 

I know you are probably thinking, at 23, shouldn't I have all that by now? Excuse me, but no. Surprising as it is, I just graduated. Yup, I went to university. What did I study? Not telling you. 

But I will tell you that I enjoyed it. I will tell you that being university has been amazing and eye opening. You know, those dreams you have of university, where you go to library and study hard? Or when you learn well, let me just say, those dreams came true. 

Like I said earlier, so much would happen to you soon. 
You will find good friends. You will make mistakes. You will have fun. You will cry. You will hurt. You will change your entire life around.

Just remember this though,
You are stronger than you think.
You are made of steel. You are fire. There is a flame in you. Learn to control that. 
You weren't wrong. The world is yours for the taking. Whether or not you want it. Whether or not you are willing to work for it. Now, that's your choice.

You think you know so much right now. But honestly, not really. You know alot more than alot of people. But you do not know everything. So yea.

I miss being at your age. Innocent and pure. No, don't worry, the world didn't taint me. It's not why I miss your age. But I miss your age because I am untouched by both extreme sadness or joy. Up till now, you have been relatively happy which is a good thing. 

But don't worry, I enjoy my age too. I feel like life just started. There is much that I still don't know. I don't know if you got that amazing apartment or that great job. I don't know if you'll live the life of your dreams at 40 or 50 years old. I don't know what the future holds. But right now, everything seems good.

Your life is going to be interesting. But at the end of the day, it will be worth it. It feels worth it now. 

One day, you will be a person that you can be proud of.
One day, you will be living the life of your dreams.
It will happen.
And when it does, you will be stricken with a sense of surrealism. 

All in all, you will live the life of your dreams. Well, not the dreams you have currently. But something even better. Something that you can't even imagine. I'm definitely hyping you up, aren't I? I shouldn't say anymore. 
Remember that it takes both happiness and sadness to make a life.

However, there is one thing that I do worry about. It's our souls. We are like Gatsby you know. Ah, you don't know who is Gatsby yet. One day, you will read that book and your heart will get broken. That story will haunt you. Because that story is our truth. It shows what people like us are. People like us are like Gatsby. We are both a blessing and a curse. Learn to use that well. 

All in all, you will enjoy this ride of yours that you call life. There is still alot more to look forward to even at 23. So you have so much more to look forward to. There will be good and bad so just try to ride it out. 
Remember to always live your life.

This will all be worth it. 

Friday, July 8, 2016

First Job


I just got my first job. 
It's a new phase of my life.

At first, I was a little sad because well, I know I will miss university. I had such a great time in university. I was studying what I love, it was challenging and I had great friends there. All in all, it was awesome. One of the best times of my life. Truly.

To move on to a new phase of life after having such a great one, well, I am a little reluctant.

But the crazy thing about life is that it changes whether you like it or not. The sands shifts beneath your feet and time inches forward. And everything is different now. Whether you like it or not.

My university friends have also gotten jobs. We are already slowly moving on. The clock is ticking, moving forward whether or not I want it to. 

Watching them get jobs makes me realize that everything is changing now. It's changing. And I have to change with the times too.

Anyway, I just started work. Everyone there is nice and friendly. I like that. The working environment seems kind. It feels like something I can get used to.
Honestly, I am just trying to keep an open mind and see where it goes. This time, I am just gonna trust the universe. 

Maybe it's still new but when I walk into my office, everything is surreal. The fact that I am here, working. That a new chapter of my life has begun. My life has begun. 

I feel like I have made it.

But honestly, we all know I haven't. I'm just starting out. I'm at the bottom of the pyramid. I just made my first step.

Anyhow, all this is pretty new to me. I'm still trying to figure all this out so wish me all the best. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Travel.


Lately, I have been traveling. The reason for this is because I have gotten a job and I will start soon. But before I start, I want to travel abit and see different sights from what I am used to.

I took two roadtrips. One with family and the other with friends.

On both roadtrips, I noticed that the mountains were no longer as green as they used to be. Raw red land exposed, without any trees. It's was as if someone was destroying nature. This made me a little upset. 

I never realised how bad deforestation is until these roadtrips. To see nature being cut down for our humanly things such as construction is very sad indeed. We, humans, are literally hurting the very planet we are living in.

Even in tourist spots such as caves, nature was not spared. You could hear the sounds of construction and you could clearly see nature being cut down. Once again, the bare red land without trees was there.

If even caves in tourists spots are not spared, it only goes to show how bad this problem is. 

It's hilarious that we humans think that our resources are limitless. We keep consuming. We forget that our resources are limited. We forget that destroying nature has consequences such as climate change and global warming.

I admit that I am also part of the problem. As a person who lives in the city, I consume these resources. 

But this really has to end.

Our world and governments needs to show how serious this problem is. We need to change our way of living. We need a more sustainable way of living. We need conserve our resources. We need to save our own planet.

Because if we don't, our younger generation will pay a price. 

And I really would love for our younger generation to grow up, being able to see the beauty of our world. 


Friday, June 17, 2016

This is for the naysayers.


Well, in my life, there has been a few people who looked me in the eye and said that I couldn't do it.
They have said that I wasn't that kind of person.
Or that I required something because I was lacking.

AND GUESS, WHAT?
I am not lacking.
I can do whatever I want.

YOU CANNOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE.

Don't come up to me and say, hey, that's just reality.
WRONG.
That's your crappy reality.

My reality is different.
My reality will not be defined by your reality.
My reality is what I define it to be.

I will make this life mine.
I will embrace this life.
I will make it good.
I will be do the best that I can.

This is a new beginning for me.

And I will do my best.

And I will make it good.

No, I will make it extraordinary.

And this will be my life. 
And I will forever be grateful for everything and everyone.


Friday, June 10, 2016

In need of a goal.


I definitely need a new goal
I know this is my holiday. My last holiday because if all goes well, I graduate.
I should be enjoying this last holiday.

Unfortunately, I am not.
It's odd.
I'm just not doing anything except coming online every day or going out with friends occasionally.

So I need a goal. To do something.
Or else, I will remain really bored for a really really long time.

I think I will make a list of what I want to do so that I can have a rough idea of what I want to do.


To do list for the holidays.

  • Write
  • Read
  • Learn to cook or bake
  • Learn to drive again

Right now, this is all I have in the list. I haven't done any of them yet but I think I should start soon. So yea. Let's have fun since this is my last holiday and all.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Storms.


I was just thinking of a rejection that I just got from companies regarding jobs and internships. Of course, it still stings a little. I think rejection will always sting a little to me.
But no matter what happens, I tell myself to get up. To stand tall and fight again. Life will close doors in my face. I am aware of that. But I have to remind myself that when life does that, I have to search for the open windows.

And if life shuts a door in my face, it just means that isn't the path I am meant to walk. I just have to find my path. If that takes a long time, I should still keep at it and never give up. 
People and the world can reject me all they want. But I must never stop believing that I am great and worth it or that my time to shine is coming. Because those are all true. 

I must never stop giving up. Because I been through storms before and I survived all of them. Not only did I survive, I come out of them, stronger and better every single time. Storms only built me up. 
So if I keep believing in myself while constantly putting in effort, I will reach my destination one day.

Even if my destination isn't the goal I wanted, I know I will be happy, better and stronger. Storms have never taken anything from me. If anything, it gave me this sense of power and strength of my own life and ability.

I still remember when I was younger. In high school, I used to think I was stupid. I was always that one who didn't study or do her homework. I claimed it was because I was a lazy ass. But really, it was because I was scared of failure. I didn't want to work hard and to be proven that I was stupid when my grades didn't improve despite my hard work.

Instead, I chose to slack. Be lazy. That way, even if my grades sucked, I was alright. After all, I didn't work for it. Soon, even among my group of high school friends, I was the "stupid one". And I believed that. High school didn't matter to me then. It was a prison and I was just waiting for it to be over. 

Alevels came. To be honest, I was very scared. Alevels was known to be hard. I wondered if I was crazy for choosing something so hard. But I wanted so much to study overseas back then and this was one way to achieve that. So I just forced myself to do it anyway. 

I still felt that I was stupid. I still felt that I would screw this up. But when my parents had to pay for my Alevels, I told myself that I had to atleast try. I had to atleast do my best. So I told myself to pretend. To pretend that I was the smartest student around and to behave like a smart student. And I did so.

I gained alot of pride while pretending. But at the same time, I began to really pay attention in class, take loads of notes down and constantly ask questions if I don't understand anything. Soon, I actually became one of the top in my class. Suddenly, I was "smart".

It was a surprise to me because all I did was pretend to be smart. Now, all of a sudden, I actually was. People came to me when they didn't understand something. I was known to be the smarter one. Lecturers love me. 

This was still all a shock to me because for years, I believed I was stupid and suddenly, I am not. It was insane. It took me a while to really realise that I was not stupid. Because at one point, I kept thinking this lie will end and I will be stupid again. But that didn't happen. So that is when I really realise that I wasn't stupid.

I thought I was on top of Alevels back then. But I was wrong. Because few months down the road, Alevels really became very hard. I almost broke. I could feel myself cracking. I could tell that I couldn't take any more pressure. I couldn't this. I wanted to so much to take a train and run away. Run far away as possible. I remember telling myself that if Alevels push me any further, I'll really break and go insane.

But Alevels pushed further despite me screaming for it to stop. Bit by bit, it pushed and bit by bit, I cracked more.
Finally, I thought I reached my limit. I thought this is the end. I'll go insane. 

Oddly enough, when Alevels pushed me past that limit, I didn't go insane. If anything, I felt liberated. I felt like I reached a whole new frontier. I felt like, I could keep going, faster, better and smarter. That really built my confidence because I felt brand new and I could keep going.

During Alevels, I felt like I was reaching my goals. I was so close that I could taste it and feel it. I thought I was there.

I would never forget how I thought I reached my goals and right before I touched it, I fell tumbling down into a vast darkness. In that darkness, I couldn't see my goal anymore. I was just stuck in this dark void of emptiness and most of all, I was alone. I felt like a god who was kicked out of heaven. 

I didn't reach my goals. I felt like I failed. Trust me, I wanted to die. Every day felt like suffering. I was angry and frustrated. Not many people knew about this because I was a good liar with people I'm not closed with. Only close friends knew about this. 

I continued to live but I walked around, existing. My raison d'etre stolen away from me. I was dead inside. 
And then, I started my degree. At first, I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to die because I felt like a huge failure from Alevels. I failed to achieve what I wanted. 

But I kept breathing and I allowed close friends to catch me when I fall. Slowly, bit by bit, I was rebuilding. I don't know how but one day, I woke up and I told myself, I survived my Alevels so I will survive my degree. Somehow, I started working on my degree.

As I kept working, I found myself surrounded by good company. Slowly, I began to actually be happy. I found myself loving what I was studying.

And I also tried to work hard for my degree. I admit that my first year results weren't great but I told myself I would work harder for my second year which I did. 

But what I am trying to say is, I survived every storm. I learn that I have friends who will catch me. I learn that I can rebuild and that I am stronger than I seem.

So the moral of the story is, never give up. Never fight a storm. Just endure. It will make you better. So just trust yourself. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Memory lane.


When my last paper for my degree final exam ended, my friend and I went back to our old college to collect our Alevels certificate. My friend and I never took it in the past.

To be honest, I was already having a pretty tough time dealing with the fact the moment my exams end, my student degree life has ended.
Because I know that I will miss this life.

I will miss my friends.
I will miss studying hard.
I will miss having a sense camaraderie with my friends.
I will miss aiming for the stars for my grades.
I will miss doing my best.

And it's over. It's sad.

Soon, real life will knock on my door. I would think about my career. 

And going back to my old college where I did my Alevels on the day my degree ends hits me quite hard.

To know that this part of my life is over.

But at the same time, going back to my old college didn't feel too bad. 
Staring at the building, only reminds how I used to come here every day.
Passing by the canteen, only reminds me how my friends and I used to eat here and laugh every day.

My old college was the same and yet different.
Same because the main buildings were still the same.
Different because they had renovated a little bit and the people were the different.

My old college used to be my second home. Studied there, ate there, laughed there and cried there. 
But it's over now.

My friend and I both stared at our old college and we both understood that this was a chapter that had passed.

Of course, we miss our Alevels once in a while but we no longer missed it so much. In a way, we moved on.

The college is filled new kids. Different kids. All with their hopes and dreams. Staring at them reminds us of us in the past. It's like staring into your past self.

The college is like a memory. 
Everything is the same and yet different.
And here we are.
And we accept that.

So much has happened in the past and we got here now.
So much good.

For my friend and I, Alevels was when we got real with life. A blank slate to start our lives fresh. To finally be what we want to be and to choose the kind of person we want to be.

Alevels was a great time in my life. When I started, I was scared but I had hopes and dreams. Insecure but I knew what I wanted. And for the first time in my life, I chased my dreams. 
I broke limits in my head.
I dreamt harder.
I stopped letting fear hold me back.
And I held on to friends that will catch me when I fall.

Alevels made me the person I am today and I found the family that I needed. 

It was a good time but it ended.
Just like how my degree life ends too.

It's crazy how things end and a new chapter begins.

I think it's hard because this chapter has been great. And it's always hard to leave a great chapter into a chapter that is unknown yet.

But cheers to life.

Because I decided long ago that I will make the best of every chapter. Make every chapter as good as I can.

So here to me and my life.