Thursday, May 21, 2015

Staring at your past self.

I found this song randomly on the internet.
And I found that I really like it.

I couldn't exactly pin point why I like it at first.
And then, through, the lyrics, I suddenly saw why.

Funnily enough, this song managed to say exactly how I felt in the past.
A long time ago.
It was so long ago, that even I almost forgot about it.

This song says exactly how I used to feel.
It's weird though.
It's so long ago.
And this song seems to be stirring something old and odd in me.

I can't quite make it out.
I been listening to it non-stop, hoping that it will inspire me or something.
Because this song makes me feel like inspiration is coming.
But at the same time, I can't help that inspiration won't come from this song.

If anything, maybe, this song is just reminding me how I used my old ugly dark emotions as an inspiration.
This song makes me want to write about something dark but sadly, I am no longer at that part of my life so I can't write something dark.

Other than that, this song makes me feel like I'm staring right at my past self.
I can see her.
I can see her, hiding herself.
I can see her, angry and afraid.
I can see her, being absolutely tired.

It's weird. I'm staring right at her and I ask myself, if I could really see my past self, what would say to her?

I end up, feeling like I have nothing to say because I know that she would need to go through all of that pain.
I know that life would be painful at times to her and she will make ugly mistakes that she will regret in the future.
But I do not want to correct her at all.
Because she needs them in order to grow and get better.

But I also want her to know that things will get better.
Life would be unexpected and she may not get what she wants.
But life would be beautiful and she'll be happy at the end of the day.

So in the end, if I do get to see my past self, I'll most probably just smile and say, "Enjoy every moment. Good and bad."

Vague advice? Maybe. But that will be what I want to say to her.

Summer plans?

It would be almost a week since my exams ended.
And I just realized that I don't really have a plan for my summer break yet. 
Nothing wrong with that.

But personally, I want to put this time to good use.
Or rather, I don't want to regret this time.

So far, I have not done much but meet up with some good old friends and talk.

I have not really watched anything or read anything.
So in a way, I haven't really done anything. 
And yet, it would almost be a week since my exam ended.
Not that I mind actually, but it just feels that time moves so fast.
Just relaxing, being glad that there isn't a schedule or worry anymore makes the days pass by rather fast.

I know that I want to write and read. 
I know that I want to watch some anime and TV.
Maybe, I want to work on my french and spanish.

But other than that, I am not sure.

Do I want to pick up the violin again?
Do I want to learn how to bake or cook?
Or do I not want to that?
Do I try to learn coding for the fun of it?

So yea, I am not really sure.

But right now, this is the list :

  • Writing
  • Reading
  • Watching
  • French
  • Spanish 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Past and Present

A friend sent me this song to listen to and I did.
And for some odd reason, I connected with this song at certain parts.

I understand that this is real life and sometimes, this overwhelms me.
I understand what it feels like to feel like you are gonna break. To be staring in the abyss and to feel like you are cracking.

I know what it is like to be in a really dark place.
I remember what storms feel like and it was just so easy to give up.
But I didn't.
And thank god.

I do know what it was like to feel like I was nothing but now, I feel like, my life is dream.

In a way, I am so grateful for everything. For everything that has ever happened. The good and the bad.

I am not saying that my life is perfect. It isn't.
But I am so far away from where I used to be.
And my life is only gonna get better.

I also know that dreams are hard work. I know that you will have to struggle for your dreams sometimes.
And sometimes, you don't even get it in the end.
But that never means it's over.
Because nothing is really over. Not until you are pushing up daisies.

And I know that there will be people who might laugh at my dreams or won't understand them. But that doesn't matter.
What matters is I do my best.

So the sad thing is actually, some people don't even try to achieve their dreams. They should atleast try. 
Because you only live life once. 
And like the song said, this is real life, everything you do is legendary. 

Point is, I relate with this song at certain parts because I know what it is like to be so different from I use to be and to be grateful for being alive.
I also know what it is like to fight for my dreams and in a way, I do feel like I have reached some of my dreams. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015





Anyway, since I haven't blogged in a while, I am going to blog to cover up for the posts that I miss in the past. 

So the summer break has started for me.

I can feel that this summer will be a great one for me. No matter what happens, I know I'll most probably enjoy it.

Honestly, I don't really have a plan for the summer break yet. I am still very open.

It's funny though. Before the exams and during the exams, all I wanted to do was write or watch things or even read.
But now that it's over, I am not quite sure what to do.

I find it interesting that a lot of people are surprised that I do not have a plan for this summer break. Is it weird to not have a plan?
Personally, I think being open is good.
That way, you can be whirled away to any journey quickly.

Plus, the best things in life are usually the most simple and random things. So might as well keep it open.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Becoming a foodie?

I have always love and enjoyed food.

And honestly, it has always been one of my favourite things.

However, I never really thought that I will feel this good with food now.
I have used food to reward myself and even set the mood for the day.

But right now, I feel like a complete foodie.
I look forward to every meal. It's the high point of my day.
And every bite of something makes me happy. I feel nourished.

In this moment, I have started a new hobby of food journalling. 
I just write down what I ate for every meal. 
I don't know it just makes me happy to know what I just ate and how it made me feel.

People usually record their food to calculate their calories but not me. I'm just doing this because it makes me feel nice.

I am not sure if I'm just turning to food because I'm being quite stressed out or if I truly like food right now.

Maybe, I just like to eat right now because meal times are my break time. I stop studying and take a complete breather. Just forget everything and just enjoy my food completely.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The hidden stress?

We all know that stress is part of our daily life. Without stress, we wouldn't do much or have the motivation to do much.
But we also know that too much stress is bad.

I wouldn't say that I have great stress management but I would like to say that I manage it better with each year.

However, sadly, I have to admit that I'm an emotional person and that my emotions does badly affect my body and my health. 

I suppose that the stress have been getting to me. 
But I think there are different type of stress.

One, there is the stress that you can handle because you are aware of its existence. That means, you can hear the groaning and maybe even screaming in your head. Stress management for that isn't hard. All I need to do is breathe and probably just tell myself to stop groaning or screaming and just get the work done.

But the stress that I hate is the stress that I am not aware of.
Like, I don't hear groaning or screaming in my head. There's pretty much nothing. Silence.
But there's a huge laziness and demotivation to do anything.
And the worse is, I can feel my body burning up.

It's like those unconscious type of stress where you can't feel its existence and the reason for that is that it is deeply rooted inside you, hidden somewhere. It's like a crack underneath a surface.
I find that there is no stress management for this because telling myself to relax is silly because I do feel relaxed. If anything, I feel too relaxed.

And the only reason I can tell that I have this stress is because my body is acting up horribly. I feel aches in places that shouldn't have aches. I feel tired. My skin is dry or my hair is falling out easily.

The reason why I know this is stress is because this happens every time before I have a huge exam that's important to me.

I know it'll go away but it annoys me sometimes that my body acts up so easily. Anyway, I should be taking care of my health now.

To anyone who's stressed out there, all I can say is, try to relax. I know it's a silly and futile advice but really, the only way to release stress is to relax. 
Or you can try just focusing on what you do and worrying less about it. Maybe your stress will go away because you are working at it.

I know this has been a rant but I needed to do this.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Turning 22?

To be honest, I expected that this year birthday would be relatively uneventful.

With exams coming up, I knew that I'd probably wouldn't care about it.

I never quite told anyone this but to be honest, birthdays aren't actually my favourite thing.
And no, it's not because I don't like being a year older. 

Some people hate birthdays because now they are a year older. I don't understand that because age is really just a number to me.

The reason for me to not like birthdays is because, with every birthday, I reflect.
I am a year older now.
Have I done anything to deserve existing on this earth?
Have I lived the life that I want?
What have I done to deserve another year on earth?

And sometimes, I just feel like I haven't done anything special. 
I don't deserve being on this earth.
Because I don't contribute or do something that's completely worthy or special.

I know it's very harsh of me to think these thoughts but this thoughts have appeared in my mind every once in a while on birthdays.

But funnily enough, so many people wished me and cared about my birthday that it surprised me.
And slowly, oddly enough, I found myself enjoying my birthday.

So, thank you to all my friends~!