Noël Mémoire

Bon Noel, everyone. That is how the French wud say it. Noël Mémoire is french for Christmas Memory.



Christmas is the season of giving...(and presents.) So like any Christmas, I got some pretty nice presents. Nowadays, Christmas is a little different from when I was younger. Nowadays, we go to our cousin's house on chrismas eve to exchange presents. When I was younger, it was just a celebration between me and family. Sadly, this year, we have no christmas tree because our christmas tree was ruined last year.

I remember when I was younger, Christmas felt more magical. And Christmas was the only time of the year, my family went to church for their midnight mass. Anyhow, even when I was a kid, I knew Santa didn't exist and it was my parents who bought me lovely presents. My parents also were very honest about Santa being a fake.

We played Christmas songs and sang to them. Every night, I would stare at the glittering Christmas Tree. The lights would shimmer at night, when all the lights in the house was switched off. The Christmas Tree would just look & feel so damn special.



See, it does look so special, doesn't it?



*sigh* Can you believe my annoying cousins actually opened their Christmas Presents before Christmas, on Christmas Eve to be exact. But can you believe they opened it? You are NOT suppose to touch your presents until Christmas. Can't they wait?

I remember that my parents didn't allow me to open my christmas presents until it was christmas day, after we have eaten our breakfast. And I remember tearing those wrappers away like a monster. Hehe..
But point is, can't my stupid cousins wait? And their parents allow that? *sigh* Christmas...it's getting different every year and I wished I could turn back the clock to relive my younger Christmas days.

Tribute to AKLTG

I just came back from coaching the SK and IAG camps. And yeah, I was coaching back to back camps. I was so tired when I came back. I even slept 14 hours straight. Hehe... Like I said earlier, these are my last camps and honestly, I feel sad.

Coaching SK and IAG reminded me why I loved coaching so much. I loved coaching because I loved seeing the changes for the better in a person. Being a coach is not easy. You get to sleep extra late, wake up early, eat less, rush around and you have to control your state which is not easy.

In SK, the kids there were quite nice but then again, not all were nice. My assistant coach was Yi Jean and she was quite good. She helped me out at times and because I have been solo coaching for so damn long, I kinda forgot how to share tasks with another coach. Nonetheless, SK ended awesomely. And the feedback I got were pretty nice. The PD said that I had alot of passion.

In IAG, it was slightly different. At first, I was intimidated. I mean, all the old awesome coaches were back like Josie, Marcus and never forget, the legendary Mark. But later, I modelled Mark & Webster so that I could be a better coach. Well, I would say I did a pretty good job.

At Day 1, I got pretty lousy feedbacks because I think I sucked during the swinging log. Well, it's been a long time since I coached IAG so I kinda forgotten what to do or say during swinging log. Cal Vin said that I was like an assistant coach instead of a coach. At first, I felt insulted and pissed. I'm a coach not an assistant coach. But later, I looked for a solution but none came so I just went to bed saying that I will know what to do tomorrow and guess what, it worked. I did know what to do tomorrow. Natalie said that Yvonne(my assistant coach) and I had low energy level so we should raise that energy level. I was sleepy so...it was not easy to stay awake at 3am and be at a high energy level.

At Day 3, I got stung by some stupid insect and bloody hell, my thigh hurts a hell lot. And during that time, I had to kick the log for a participant and the same time, ask questions. So it was hard to focus on anything when my thigh hurts. Suddenly, Yvonne, my assistant coach, decided to ask questions which was my job. I didn't mind because my leg hurt so I just focused on kicking the log and letting her do the rest. Well, thank god, she had great timing that saved my ass. Honestly, I don't think I could ask questions and kick the log while my leg hurts.

I think Yvonne and I did a great job. I really hope Yvonne will be coach the next round. And I think IAG ended with a bang. After all this wonderful experience, it makes even harder to retire. Heck, maybe, I might coach next year but then again, I'm not too sure because I did say I am retiring. I love coaching and coaching is just an awesome thing to behold. Coaching is not for everyone yet anyone can coach.

At the final day, the feedback I got were pretty nice. For an example, Joey said that my swinging log was done quite well because the tonality and the words I used were sharp and real. He said I improved a hell lot. Cal Vin said that I gave the impression that I will do whatever it takes for my participants while Gary said that he was happy to see me as a coach (I was his assistant coach once upon a long time ago)

All those good feedbacks makes it even harder to retire. And to hear that Melvin will be coaching next year, makes me wanna coach next year too. So maybe I'll really retire but then again, I might just return and coach again.

Coaching and AKLTG is a part of my life so it's not so easy to just retire. I've been with AKLTG since I was 12 years old and today I'm 16. See how many years that is.

"Coaching is not just for a programme, coaching is for life" -Webster Ku-
"Coaching is not a job, coaching is a way of life." -Anonymous-

So even if I do retire, it doesn't mean I'm not a coach. I am a coach and I forever will be one no matter what. Just that I won't coach participants but instead, myself and friends.


Right now, I'm a little emo because I haven't had breakfast. *searches breakfast*

My Top 3 Priorities

My top 3 priorities from now on are :

1. School Studies
2. French
3. Music




School Studies.
Ok, my finals result really sucked badly. And because of that, I have to focus on my studies from now on. Yea, that means I have to really study but do I really have a choice? *sigh*



French
I have to focus on French if I wanna be good. My french grammar is really horrible. *sigh* As if english grammar is not hard enough, now, I have to deal with French grammar. But, I have to admit that French is a pretty cool language once you get to know it.



Music
Yea,my parents are gonna let me learn the violin. So I'm gonna start learning the violin this January. So, I'm pretty happy about that and if I wanna be good, I gotta practice every single day. And this time, I'm gonna play it right.

Updates :~

Well, anything that are not in these priorties will have to be dropped or thought out carefully before making a decision. So yea, I'm dedicating my current life to the 3 priorities.
I know it sounds horrible but it's for the best interest of my own future. Anyhow, I have to dropped alot things. This is hard to say but I'm announcing my retirement for coaching in AKLTG.

I've been coaching a long time and I love it but unfortunately I have to drop it because :

1. Instead of a challenge, AKLTG is becoming more of a comfort zone to me and I think it's time I move on to bigger and better things.
2. I have alot of other things that I have to do that is more important.
3. I learnt alot from AKLTG and it's time for me to apply it for my own life.
4. It's not in my top 3 priorities.

This decision was still hard for me to make because I love coaching. I had a hard time convincing myself but this decision had to be made because it was for the best. Even so, I will forever love coaching. So that means, these 2 camps that I will coach in December will be last. So, I'm gonna do my very BEST so that my retirement will end awesomely~!


So like Oprah, I would say that I love it enough to know that it's time to let it go. So, I'm retiring from coaching. It's just time to say goodbye. I wish all coaches the best and may AKLTG prosper~~!!

Boulevard of broken dreams.

A quiz told me that my theme song is boulevard of broken dreams by green day. At first, I thought that it was bullshit but after listening to that song several times. I agree. That song is my theme song...for now.

The year 2009 has been hard, rough and tough for me. I had more depressing moments this year than happy moments. This year definitely wasn't my best year. I didn't get the sweet sixteen feeling. I got the opposite instead.

And it's true. I feel like I'm walking like a boulevard of broken dreams. Everything I wanted to achieve, I didn't. And for a while, this felt very painful.

But I know that I have to move on and forward. The further I walk, the longer I see the road ahead of me. But it's never about the destination, it's about the journey. So I might as well, take my time and enjoy myself.

So here are the 5 promises I made to myself.

1. I love myself at all times & I'm worthy.
2. I will finish what I started
3. I will do my best at all times
4. I will accept my results
5. I won't regret anything in the future.

Because I really don't want to regret anything in the future and I don't want to feel sad in the future. So this 5 promises to myself have to be kept. Maybe, you should promises to yourself too.

And I learnt that, even if you failed, doesn't mean you are a failure. Just because you made a mistake, doesn't mean you're a mistake. Even if you think, you're not your thoughts. You're you and you have the choice to change anyyhing you hate.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN.

Here are some other songs that you may like...(well, I like them)

FIX YOU BY COLDPLAY WITH LYRICS


MOVE ALONG BY ALL AMERICAN REJECTS WITH LYRICS

A story of a cutter.

This is the first blog post that will have nothing to do with me but rather of a close friend of mine. I want to post her story as I want her voice to be heard.(Yea, she doesn't blog or tweet)
This close friend of mine is a cutter. She cuts herself. I, myself too wondered why would she do such a thing.
Was it a punishment?
Was it a hobby?
What was it?

So this close friend of mine, named T. She is an ordinary 16 year old girl like me, the only differences is that she cuts herself. You think that she may come from a screwed up family with issues. But that was not her case.
She had 2 wonderful parents who loved her and showered her with love. They never really pressured her on anything.

She is smart, thin, from a well to do family and pretty. So...where exactly does her problem lie?
She said that she started cutting by accident. She started when she was 14 years old. She accidently cut herself on a broken glass while picking pieces of broken vase. When the glass cut her skin, make her bleed. It felt good and icy. Her mind felt alive and hynoptized by the blood that drip out.

The pain she said was like an adreanaline rush.It made her feel good. Sometimes, she would play with her blood by trying to write with it. Sometimes, she would taste her blood. She said, it didn't taste good. It just tasted salty and irony. But she would begin to panic when too much blood bled out. Immediately, she would try to stop the bleeding.

Then, when the cut began to scar, she would regret it. She would wish she didn't cut. A part of her wanted the scar to go away so that she could move on and a part of her wanted the scar to stay because she wanted to remind herself.
Then, she would began the terrible cycle all over again.

I asked her why she do this. She said, she herself didn't know. But soon, she realised that it was because of her self-esteem. She may seem confident on the outside but she was very doubtful and afraid in the inside.
She mocked herself every single day. She didn't had any nice words for herself even if the entire world praised her.

She also felt that everything was her fault, her responsibilty. She always felt that she should have done more, said more or cared more.

Everyday, she hides her scars. I asked her if she was ever going to get help. She said she didn't know. She was scared. She knew she needed help but she didn't have the courage to say so. (And to make it worse, her father is a psychiatrist. Yea, her dad doesn't know.)
She said that maybe she would get help one day. But she was afraid that people would look at her and think of her as a crazy loony person. I told her she wasn't crazy. She simply smiled.

I talked to her and be by herside. She has always been by mine. We were so close that we even learned to play the same instrument, the violin so that we could duet with each other and to see who improved faster. We even stopped playing the violin at the same time. (BTW, T, I plan to relearn the violin so...you get my drift.)

I hope she will get help. I hope she will learn to chill & accept herself but I know it will not be so easy.
IF you have a friend in need, help them.

I hope you understand cutters better. I hope you won't look at them as a crazy loony person. I hope you will help your friend in need. Or rather, anyone in need.

Take care, T. I hope the next time I see you, I hope you'll be better. If you're reading this. Sorry...I did warn you about my blogging disease. XP

Carmensakura's rant...

Ok, just for your information... I am still alive and no, I haven't abandoned my blog. The reason why I haven't blogged or been online is bcuz I finally moved to my "new" house and this "new" stupid house didn't have any internet.

I still have no internet and so please forgive me, if I dun visit your blog. I'm still waiting for my internet to arrive.

Well, I'm gonna rant bout some stuff bcuz I haven't been online for so long...and I have lots to say.

1. "New" House.
Ok, eventhough this house is twice the size of my old small, cramped apartment. Yea, this house is bigger and more comfortable.
But I hate this damn house.
WHY?

Well, because, I don't have the internet. And this house feels funny. I just don't like it. Period.
I wish I could tell my dad tat. But I know I can't bcuz he likes this stupid house. Because this house is the family heirloom or some crap like that.

2. Internet
Can't you believe that I have no internet currently. That's like torture...ok,maybe not torture. But it's feels odd not to check my email, twitter, blog & doin stuff like tat...

3. French Class
Ok , French Class is the only nice thing I have to say currently. I like my french class. French is actually a pretty cool language but sometimes the pronounciation and the grammar gives you a headache but overall, it's pretty cool.

4. A Friend Who Doesn't Act Like A Friend

I understand when a friend sometimes is uncontactable by any means. I understand when a friend sometimes forget their things. But what I don't understand is when a friend can break their promises. I hate people who don't honour their word. I just hate that.

Not only that, she hardly talks to me now because she got other friends. Well, I understand that. Everyone needs their space but what I don't understand is how someone can take someone food without asking them. BTW, she didn't even say hi to me tat day. What kind of asshole will take your food without asking or greeting you?

Anyway, she's lucky I'm not saying her name right now. And if she's reading this, and if you're wondering why I'm not talking to you personally instead of venting my anger on my blog. Well, that's because you are uncontactable. Be more contactable, then we'll talk.

4. People With Their So Called Problems
Ok, I hate people who go whining around saying that they have a problem and use it as an excuse for their ineptness.
Look, everyone have problems. You ain't the only one. You aren't the "special" one that God chose to torture.

It doesn't matter what happens to you but what matters is what you do.So get up and do something with your life.


Well, that's all I can rant about today. So please, don't mind me. I'm just an ordinary pissed off teenager ranting away like any normal human.

WTF moment...

Ok, I was just rereading my last post on my blog and I have only one reaction which was WTF...



I mean, honestly I was rereading that post and I felt slightly disgusted. Since when did I even cared about bands? Since when did I even cared about a korean boyband? And I sounded like a complete idiotic screaming fangirl.



I can't believe I sounded like a fangirl because all this while, I have thought that fangirls are stupid...and believe me, they are. (No offence indended but that's the bloody truth.)
But if fangirls didn't exist, then alot of stars would have almost NO fans at all.
Even so,I hate squeeling girls...and what's worse is to be stuck in between a crowd of fangirls and that there's no way out.
So my policy, RUN when you see a fangirl.



I have always all this while loved music but not the bands. I love the song, just not the band. But as I read that last blog post, I felt really stupid & disgusted. And did I write that Hyun Joong is hot? Ok, I feel like a moron right now.

Ok, there must be a reason for this sudden burst of stupid fangirlism. I'm never becoming a fangirl even if it means saving my life.
The reason for the fangirlism?
My delayed hormones that I never wanted is finally kicking in at 16.





As much as I don't want to be a fangirl, I still want to go that SS501 concert.
- Not because they're hot.
- Not because I just need a concert to go to
But because I like MOST of their songs. They just know how to make good music. I don't mind being stuck between some fangirls if it means listening to good music.