Friday, November 27, 2015

Christmas in the air.

I have always loved Christmas.

It's one of my favourite things.

I can't even quite pinpoint the reason why I love Christmas. There's something in the air. Something magical and wonderful. And I always feel like a child again. Full of excitement and merriment. 

Honestly, I usually just spend my Christmas with my family. We would eat breakfast, open our presents and then spend the whole day watching those super cliche heartwarming Christmas movies.

Nothing special.

Yet this is my favourite time of the year.

I feel festive. 

I feel like celebrating.

Maybe it's because it's almost the end of the year.
And I have always like ending the year with a bang. So that I can start the year with a bang.

Or maybe there's just no reason.

But problem with being festive is that I feel celebrating when I should really be studying.

This is my final year and I really want to complete focus on my studies.

But now, I feel festive so that dampens my study mood a little.

I need to learn how to juggle my festive mood and my study mood.

Anyway, to me, Christmas is in the air. 

I can smell it. I can feel it.


Wednesday, November 18, 2015


With the recent news, it's obvious that the world is in a lot of pain, sadness and grief. 

As much as I feel this sadness, pain and grief, I choose against it. What do I mean by that?

What I'm trying to say is I choose kindness and love. I choose to spread kindness and love. I choose to be positive. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be kind.

I know some might say, aren't you just ignoring the pain and sadness? 
That's not true.
I'm not ignoring.

I'm just saying that there's already too much pain, sadness and grief. And I don't want to perpetuate that. 

For example, the recent thing that happened in Paris, France. It's such sad news. People are outraged and shock. I understand that.

But to suddenly condemn all muslims? That's not fair at all.

Instead of hating muslims, I think we should be united and show kindness to the victims and one another.

Because I think being kind and showing love says that, you are stronger than this. It shows that the attackers can't win against us. Because no matter what they do, we'll still always be kind and loving. 
I think that's a better way to live.

It's better than being afraid, angry and full of hate. 
It's so much better than that.

I know I may be young and some people might think that I'm talking complete crap.

But the thing is, I understand. 
As a child, I had a fiery temper.
Anger was almost always my first reaction to anything.

I used to read those inspirational stories about how happiness is a choice and anger can be put aside. 
I hated those stories. Especially the ones that says that anger is bad and that anger will destroy your life.
The reason for that is because I was angry and I couldn't control my anger. It was not fair to me at that time. To know that my life might be ruined by an emotion I had no control of.
It's wasn't like I wanted to be angry. I just got angry, just like how people get cold during winter.

I still remember one story where a man was shot by a bullet and instead of being angry and sad, he chose to have a different reaction. He was funny and did his best to let the doctor to save him. 
I remember thinking, that's insane. I can't put a smile and be funny if I have been shot. I would probably be very mad and probably a bit panicky. I thought this guy was completely crazy and this story was full of shit. Because no one in the world would react that way.

Over the years, now that I'm older, I have to admit that the bullet story was right. In a way, I had a choice. I could choose how I react to things.
I'm not saying my anger disappeared. That's not true. I still get angry. But I let it pass. And I don't let it ruin me.

Instead of letting anger control me and my actions, I wait until my anger has passed or subsided. And I make sure not to do anything rash in my angry moments. Because so far in life, everything I do in my haze of rage, I have only regretted them. And I'm trying to have less regrets.

What changed me?

Well, I was hurt by some people in the past. The pain they caused is so deep that I was so angry.

And I wanted revenge.

With my wonderful imagination, I let my mind wander. I imagine the worst possible situations for them. And in my head, I laughed at them, happily. Happy that my revenge has "come true". That their life sucks and karma has paid them back the pain they caused me.

What I imagined for them were really horrible things. 

And then I asked myself, how much pain do they need to endure before I can consider that they have paid back the pain they caused me?

That was when I realized that no amount of pain that they endure can make my pain go away. No amount of pain they endure can heal me. No amount of pain they endure will ever make what they did to me okay. 
It's something that they can never pay me back.

Then I asked myself, what is the point of wanting revenge or wanting them to suffer if it won't heal me or take my pain away?
I was just only creating more pain.

Not only that, I was destroying my own life.
Why do I say I was destroying my own life?
Because I wasn't living my life. Because I was just living to make sure that they got their payback. To make sure karma will hit them in their face.

What kind of life is that?
That's not the life I want.

So I had to move on. I had to live my own life. I had to find my own happiness.

And that's when I realized that it's love and kindness that will heal me.

So I started to be more kind and loving to myself so that I can heal.

It took years.
But here I am.

My heart no longer filled with hate and revenge.

Point is, I know the world is full of pain. And I don't want to make it worse.

I want to spread love and kindness instead.

I know that it may not solve the world's problem. But atleast, I'm not making it worse.

Thursday, November 12, 2015


I feel a little sad that this year I can't join NaNoWriMo.

What is NaNoWriMo?

It's the 

National November Writing Month.

Usually, I would participate in this but I choose not to this year because this is my final year and I want to focus on my studies completely.

But since it's November and it's as if my body remembers, I truly have been aching to write. 
And it doesn't help when every writer is talking about their writing on social media. It truly is aching.

I promise myself that the moment my exams end, I will write. 
I need to finish one story anyway.

It's long overdue anyway.

But it's weird though, having inspirations occasionally.
Just wanting to write.

Funny thing is, I am not sure what I want to write.
But there's just this gnawing thought that shouts, TIME TO WRITE. TIME TO WRITEEEEE.

So yea.

But I think I'll go look at a word prompt later and then go write. 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

My crazy ass electronics.

My electronics are always a little bit crazy.

I swear, my electronics always seem to have their own personality.

Even back when I was younger, I have a PC and even it was slightly temperamental. 

Why am I talking about my electronics?

Well, I think it's because my phone and my powerbank have been behaving oddly. Like a little oddly.

Like my powerbank, it could charge to 100% one day for my phone but the next day, it wouldn't charge above 77%.

And my phone, one minute, it's fluid but the next, it isn't. So yea.

But yea, my electronics are behaving oddly. 

But then again, they have always been that way. So yea.

Anyway, just take care of your electronics.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Whole again.

I'm gonna warn you from the very start. This is gonna be a long post. So yea. I warned you~!
Anyway, with that out of the way, I can finally start.

This is going to be a post that I'm going to be raw and real as possible. Honestly, it's a little hard to write because it means thinking about old wounds again. But I need to do this. This is the only way I can finally let it go and be completely whole again.

I meant this to be a diary post but I decided, I might as well write it here because there is no harm in that. Because this is a story of a recovery. A story where wounds heal and you can be whole again. So this is empowering. And I think this is something the world needs more of. 

Because we hear stories of how people heal but we never hear how long they took and what it took. And how much pain they endured in that time. Because society just likes to hear the pretty part, the part where they are healed.
But of course, some people record their struggle. But not everyone do. And I'm the type who does.

So here I go.

There was a time in my life, where I can admit that I was unhappy. I wore masks and it wasn't easy. I remember being absolutely alone in my life.

It was funny back then. Because I did have friends. Friends I claimed to be close to. But despite saying that, I think deep inside I knew, we weren't friends. But for some reason, I never had guts to say otherwise. Maybe it was because I felt like they were my only friends. And to admit that meant that I had no friends. That thought was absolutely sad and scary. 

But those people weren't my friends. 

I hate to admit it but they were mean to me alot of times. So mean that when I think about it, it's hard. There are moments where I still remember clearly because I knew exactly what it meant and it was a huge blow to my self-esteem. But most of it, it was a blur because it has been years.

But I do admit that when I think of the words they said in the past or the things they did, I can still cry. Not because I am still hurt or pained by it. No. But it's like watching a movie of people doing mean things and you just think to yourself, that was so mean. No one deserved that sort of treatment. And to think that was me, that was sad.

And I will admit that my self esteem was almost completely crushed. The only reason why I could still wake up in the morning is because not every part of my self esteem was crushed. As much as I hated myself, I didn't loathe myself completely. There was still some love for myself.

People say words can't hurt you. And I would like to say, that is one complete lie. I know some people might say, you should have known that those words weren't true. You should have never let it get to you. True. But I was young back then. It was already hard enough I was always the odd one out. So when people say these things, even when I tell myself I didn't care, I actually cared.

So their words seeped in and slowly chipped off my self esteem piece by piece until all I get is large broken chunks.

And during this period, I must admit I was a total asshole. So forgive me if I ever hurt anyone in my past. I was just angry and defeated.

I was lucky. I met other people and made friends with them and they changed my world forever. For once in my life, there was color and a certain warmth. I'm forever grateful for their existence in my life. But unfortunately, I made some stupid rash decision younger and lost some of these good friends. Partly, some of it is my fault. I regret losing some of their friendship but I am forever grateful for everything they have done.

And there is nothing in the world I can do to repay them. But if they ever need my help, I will do my best to be there for them. 

Anyway, one day, I decided to have a word with these "friends" that have said so much and done some mean things to me. Well, the results weren't good. 

Eventhough I'm the one who has to live with the wounds of what they have done to me, they were the one who cut all ties with me. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. Not that it mattered to me anymore. But it did hurt me further though. And I was mad.

I was mad that I was dispensable to them despite being such a good friend to them. I was mad that they were acting like they were the hurt party. I was just so mad. But I was also guilty. Apart of me wished I never confronted them. I mean, yes, they did hurt me.

But that was in the past. Why couldn't I just let it go? Why did I have to rock the boat and create disharmony? But then later, I realized that this had to happen eventually. You cannot just let so much pain happen and have no outlet. And my outlet was that, I needed them to know that they were shitty friends.

Of course at first, I plotted my revenge and everything. But time passed and I didn't find that necessary anymore. 

I did move on eventually. But every once in a while, I got curious. I wanted to know how they were doing. Not that it mattered. But I just wanted to know if they were the same and living their lives. It's just that, their paths and my path no longer crossed and that just made me want to know what they were doing.

Every time I got curious, people thought that I missed them. I didn't. Curious, but not missing them. Because in a way, I have always been a curious cat.

Of course some people thought that I should approach them and make first contact if I was so curious. Most of all, people thought it was sad that I let this old friendship go. 

Well, here's the thing, I am not going to make the first contact. No. Why? Because why should I? And I don't really miss them in my life. I'm just living my own life. That's all. And I don't particularly want to talk to them either. It's just that sort of fleeting curiosity that will pass in good time.

But I'm going to say this, if they want to come back to my life, I am completely okay. We would need to start fresh though. A complete fresh start. A blank slate. Because our old friendship was just clogged up with too much crap and all of that needs to go.

Anyway, so for a long time, I hated myself. I didn't take pictures. I didn't do alot of things because my self esteem was just kinda shitty.

Eventhough they were out of my life, the effects of what they have done still remained with me.

But here is where it gets better.

I fought. I tried to heal myself. And this is a long, long process. I started by being kinder to myself. 

It was a struggle of course. Because some days, I wake up, and I still hate what I see in the mirror. 
But slowly, I forced myself. I forced myself to live the dreams of my life. I asked myself, what do I want to do?
What do I want out of my life?
What regret do I not want?

So slowly, I tried things out just for the fun of it. I picked up cosplay and dropped it right back. I met more people and made more friends. I went and did things that I enjoyed. I started writing again, reading and just doing things that I love.

I was rediscovering myself again. I allowed myself to feel. To cry. To express how I feel. And this time, I was lucky. I had friends. Real friends who were really there for me. 

I just literally did everything any young person would do. I went out and had loads of fun with friends. 

I was just in the process of healing. 

I wouldn't say I love myself yet but I was getting there. Atleast, there was less hate. 
And I kept telling myself how awesome I was and that, I did deserve love and I do love myself. Those were obviously lies because I didn't feel that way. But I kept saying that anyway. Because people say, one day, you might just wake up and feel that way.

And that day came.

It actually happened this week.
For once in my life, I stared at my own reflection and I didn't hate it. In fact, on the contrary, I love it. I love what I saw. And that was such a surprise.

I tested myself and took out old photos of myself. I forced myself to look at them. For the longest time, I couldn't stare looking at my photos too. But for once in my life, I didn't. I saw a person. And I saw a beautiful person. 

I was so relieved. So glad.
It took years.
But finally, I am free. I am liberated. I am no longer in the clutches of their shadows and chains. 
I am free from their words now.

I am whole again.

And of course, I'm still an idiot once in a while, and due to this liberation, I felt curious again. I just wanted to know how they were doing. And I managed to ask some questions to someone. And I learnt that I truly was dispensable to them. It hurts to really confirm them. I mean, I knew that. But to confirm that, well, I felt a little sore.

But this has also allowed me to have closure. To bury this entire experience. To bury them in my past and let them stay there.

I think after this, I might never be curious about them again because I feel that it's over. This is my closure. It ends here. And my life continues to goes on. And it's only gonna get better. I'm only gonna live more and have fun.

I would like to thank all my friends that have stuck through me thick and thin. I would like to thank my family who have loved me despite being shitty as hell.

But I would also like to thank a person who recently only entered my life and has had so much effect in my life. He has compressed this journey and helped me end it. Because without him, this could have taken a few more years to finish. He has no idea but I still would like to thank him. 

Anyway, point is, time can heal wounds. But it takes a conscious effort.
You can be whole again.

But of course, some things never really completely go away. That's true. But that doesn't mean you can't live your life.

So yea.

Here's to everyone living the life of their dreams. Or rather, the lives that they want to live~~!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

A letter.

My friend wrote a letter to her past self. And it made me want to write a letter to my past self. There are things that I want to tell my 16 year old self and even my 19 year old self.

And this is a warning, this is gonna be a long post.

So here goes : 

Hello there,

it's me from the future. I have so much to say to you.
For a long time, I never really wanted to say much to you, even if I could because then, I would ruin the fun. Plus, you need to grow from each experience. And I do not want to ruin that growth by giving you clues or hints.

But I think, once in a while, we need encouragement and I guess this is what this is about.

I understand things don't make much sense. I understand that you feel completely alone sometimes.
I understand.

Most of all, I get that you are scared. So very scared. You are afraid to take that leap. What if you fall? What if nothing ever turns out the way you want it to?
What if you dream so hard only to fall hard on your face?

I understand.
I know many people say, dream anyway. Leap anyway. And honestly I know that seems hard to believe because it's so hard to just dream and leap. 

I just want to say this, your fear did come true somehow. The leap was taken. The dream was dreamt. And yet, you fell hard on your face. And it hurts. Alot.

You are always afraid that you might not set out to achieve the things that you dream of or live the life you have always dreamt of. I know this is the hardest part. To live the life you always dreamt of. You have feel like you should be doing something of importance. Something to contribute to society and yourself. 

And I understand.

Do not be afraid anymore.
Life will be life.
Whether or not it's the life you dreamt of, I don't know. I am not in that far future yet to know if I have lived the life you always dreamt of.

But I live far enough to say one thing.

All of this will make sense one day.
All the pain. All the sorrow. All the despair.
It will make sense one day.
And you will stop hurting.
And you will finally be happy.

But happiness isn't something served to you at a silver platter.
You have to work for it.
You have to keep improving yourself.
Allow your inner child to come out. To dream and hope. To have the wildest dreams because you can.
Be kind to yourself. Because you deserve kindness.

I know it will look like no one understands you. But there will be a few gems out there, who will help you. The kindest people you ever known. And the friends that you think you have, some of them aren't friends at all. And I think secretly, you already know that. But you are too kind to admit it. 

Your heart is big. It's both your strength and your weakness.
You care until you can care no more.
You give so much away and nothing left for yourself sometimes.
And people sometimes do not care about you the way you have about them.

And that's okay.

You are a person. A dynamic one. You are magic. You are a god. Do not let anyone take that away from you.
It's okay to fall.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to lose.
It's okay to be lonely.
It's okay to be scared.
It's okay to be you.

Sometimes you feel the world is just whizzing about, leaving you behind and isolated.

But one day, soon, one day, you will wake up. 
And you will realize that life is beautiful.
That everything that ever happened, good and bad, has a place in your life.
And you will be grateful.
Grateful to your pain. Grateful to your victories. Grateful for everything.

And even if, this is not the life you have dreamt,
this is the life you have always wanted to live.
So yes, in a way, you will achieve atleast that.

Yes, sometimes, you will still feel alone and like you have no friends because everything is changing and no one seems to understand you.
But it's okay.

New friends can be made. New things can happen. You just have to let it unfold.

I know I'm rambling. And I'm sorry.

But the point I want to make is, I know you longed for a day where you can be happy with yourself and feel proud of yourself. You just want to be happy being you. 
People can't see that you are insecure because you lie and act so well. But you know, sometimes, you hate yourself when you look into the mirror. And I understand that. And this is something you kept to yourself.

People don't understand why you won't take pictures and etc. Because they don't understand how you can't stand yourself. And that's okay.

But one day, you will be able to look into that mirror and not hate what you see. One day, you will be able to take a picture of yourself and not cringe in horror.
That day will come for you as it has for me.

But you are a work in progress. As much as so much growth and changes has happened to you and you feel so good, it's not over. There is always room for improvement.
And you will go on.

That shall be your life.
And it will be one you do not regret.

So do not give up.
So dream
So leap.

And then cry if you fall flat on your face.
Or celebrate if you achieve what you want to achieve.

Just never give up.
Keep going. Keep moving forward.
Continue to have a big heart and love.
Because people can break you but you can also mend. And that, my dear, is your biggest strength.

To be unyielding. To be strong. To remain so loving and kind despite all the pain you have gone through. To never grow bitter.

People think it's easy. So easy to remain kind and optimistic. 
But that is not true. It take strength. So much strength. And you, my dear, have that.

You are a phoenix. Ashes and flames will forged you. You can die but you will be reborn.

I have so much more to say but I will stop here because this is all you need to hear. Maybe it's too much but it is what I want to say.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Everything is wonderful.

Everything is finally falling into place.
Things are finally making sense.

Every pain, every tear and every sadness I ever had is starting to make sense.

All those time when I sad, but I just continued with my life, with a hope that slowly everything will pay off and everything will make sense one day. 
And now, it's happening.

I'm not saying that my life is completely perfect.
It's not.

But I am happy.
I am looking at my life and I am liking where I am.
I am liking everything about my life so far.

Funny thing is, all this will change soon because I will graduate soon.
So everything will change.

Why am I saying that everything makes sense?
I guess I am being rewarded for my patience, pain and faith all this time.

Almost every single aspect of my life is good right now. 
Except for one.
My physical body.
Well, that's nothing much. I just need to start working out and eating right.
So I wish the haze would go away so that I can start working out.

I haven't felt so free in a long long time.
And for the first time in years, I feel free.

All this time, I been working towards this self that I want to be.
That confident happy successful person.
And now, I am actually slowly getting there.
So I am proud of myself.

But this is not the end of the road.
I have so much more to go.
So much more to improve.
There is always room for improvement and I will keep moving forward.

So yea.
Overall, I feel pretty good. I hope you do too!