Friday, March 20, 2015

A little motivation to pick myself up


I been a little lazy and demotivated recently when it comes to my studies. And it doesn't help that I was a little upset because I got rejected from a firm that I wanted to intern in.

So overall, I wasn't feeling great.

I decided to get my nails painted. 

And honestly, that's a huge booster to me. 

I have only painted my nails black before but this time, I decided to paint it in a different color but it's still a dark color.

It's interesting that people are surprised by the fact that I like to get my nails painted in dark colors. 
Personally, I don't understand that.

I had a friend who said that painting nails black makes it looks like a monster. I found what she said interesting.
Why?
Because the reason why I paint my nails black or dark colors is because it makes me feel powerful. 

Yes, it looks like a monster. But I feel like a powerful monster that will bite your head off if you cross me.
I feel confident.
I feel like the boss.
I feel awesome.
I feel great and powerful.

And how I feel makes me more motivated to do the things I need to do like studying.

Only sad thing is, I sort of ruined my nails the moment it got painted, so I am not sure how long the color will last. I just hope it'll last a while before looking like total shit.


Friday, March 13, 2015

Funny what people think.


I have always been interested in what people think about me.

I have always been curious in how they see me. 
Because I can't see myself through their eyes. It'll be one point of view that I'll never be able to experience.

So the only best alternative is to ask people and get their opinion of me.

Some people thinks that by asking these questions, I am annoying. I don't mind being called annoying because that's not quite false either because sometimes, I know I am annoying. hahaha

But some people have said that because I asked these questions, I come across as a person who doesn't know myself.
I find that hilarious because I do myself but I am doing this because I want to know more about myself.

And sometimes, through this, I get to learn more about myself.

Even I have to admit that I don't myself completely. I am complex with many many layers and you can never stop learning about yourself because I am constantly changing.

So I find it interesting when people say that. 

Another thing that people said about me is that I seem indecisive because I ask for people's point of view when I'm deciding.

But that's not true.

I want people's opinions and thoughts because it gives me a different perspectives on things.

I like to view things from as many perspectives as possible before I decide because I want to be as informed as possible.

And that's just how I work.

I'm not indecisive. I just don't like closing up possibilities. I like to keep things open and see where that bring me.

And that's just the way I am~!

Friday, March 6, 2015

The interesting world.


I know that the world is a diverse place. 
Since it is a diverse place, I understand that there will be a variety of people with their own different set of thoughts.

But recently, people have been saying things to me that sort of pisses me off. 
It's not what they said was rude or anything.
But sometimes, what they say is unbelievably small minded and it blows my mind that there are people like them around and that I actually know them.

I don't say anything to them because I don't want to be rude.
But it left a little angry for a while.

However, it is pointless to be angry at something so silly.
Plus those people who said it don't mean any harm.
I'm not mad at them per se.
I am just mad that they actually think that way.

But since people are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, I have no right to be mad or anything.

I should just accept that different people have different thoughts and I should respect them even if they seem silly.

Well, only goes to show that I have much to learn from this great wide interesting world.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Been a lazy week.

Because of the chinese new year holidays, I have been relatively lazy.

And I shouldn't be.

My exams are in two months time.

So it's time to buck up and go full gear.

It doesn't help that my head and heart are not in a focused point. 

I am too busy thinking about something else that is not exam related.

And I should stop.

Anyhow, it's just time I get up and go for my exams!!

Friday, February 20, 2015

The life of an ENFP

I have taken so many personality quizzes in my life but my favourite has always been the Myers-Briggs personality quiz.

You can take the quiz here. Or you can google it and find a more accurate one according to your taste. Your choice.

I have found the Myers-Briggs personality quiz to be the easiest to take and the results are quite accurate. Not only that, the results are understandable too.
Harder ones are sometimes too complicated but I love those too.

Anyhow, I am an ENFP.
In some ways, it's quite true. I am that way, in some sense.

But of course, I have to remember that the personality type result is not everything. I am more than just an ENFP. I am also a person. 
But having a personality type result do help to explain alot of things and make  you feel less alone at times. lol.

Anyhow, as an ENFP, we have a major problem at times.
We are both feeling and intuitive.
So that means, we are good at perceiving things and noticing little details of people. We like to pretend that we understand people or are learning to understand them.
We like looking for symbols and signs and finding the meaning in them.

But sometimes, there is no symbol or hidden meaning.
Sometimes, we are so eager to find symbols and interpret so hidden meanings.
And there is none.
And that is when we get it so wrong.

When ENFP gets it right, we get it right but when we get it wrong, we get it so wrong.

I been talking to someone lately.
And like usual, my ENFP senses kicked in. 
I started to look for symbols and everything. 
I started trying to discover hidden meanings.

And now, I don't even know if I have created these "hidden meanings" and put them in or if it's real.

This is where being an ENFP is tough because I clearly want to know the truth but at the same time, I am so afraid that it will create an awkwardness.

So yea.

Sighs.



Friday, February 13, 2015

Growing up?



Recently, I visited a friend in a hospital with other friends because she had dengue fever. As I visited her in the hospital, all of a sudden, I felt very grown up. 

Maybe, it's because most of my university classmates are turning 21 this year and I can tell that some of them takes it seriously. They do throw parties and such.

I turned 21 last year however, it never quite mean anything to me because I didn't have time to think about it. I had to focus on my exams and so that drowned out all thoughts about turning 21.

Even though I did turn 21 and that was supposed to signify that I have now become a grown up but I never quite felt like an adult.

Well, I wouldn't say that I feel like a child or a teenager. But I feel like I am in between the transition of a teenager and an adult. I am neither here or there.
And at first, I did feel left out because through facebook, I could see that most of my high school classmates have grown into adults through their dressings and certain mannerisms.

And then, there was me.
Still clad in my t-shirt and jeans.
Still rocking out to my favourite music.
Still watching my anime.

Point is, it doesn't seem like I changed alot, externally.

However, I have to admit that I have changed alot internally.
Going through A-levels opened up my eyes in so much ways.
And then I'm currently doing my degree, that has also opened up my mind in ways I couldn't imagine. 

Internally I changed so much that sometimes it surprises me. It just feels that I am so far away from my past but at the same time, not. 
I know that sentence is contradictory but that's because as much as I have changed and as much as that is very different from my past, it isn't. The reason for that is because, the change that I had is me becoming who I truly am.

I have begun to embrace myself, weirdness and all. I stopped hiding the fact that I am flawed and weird. In a way, I accepted myself. Flaw and all.

I didn't accept myself in the past. I just thought that I accepted myself but I didn't but I was slowly getting there. 

Anyway, I digress. I felt grown up all of sudden and it was a really interesting feeling. I was also oddly enough very comfortable with that thought.

Even though I didn't quite have absolute control of my life yet but I did feel that my life is in my hands and my future is for me to make.
And that feels absolutely exciting, electric and exhilarating.
But of course, I am not without fears and doubts.

I am only human but the excitement and exhilaration is much higher than the fears and doubts.
Who knows what will happen from now on but I know that I will definitely enjoy the ride.  

Friday, February 6, 2015

Music

Music conveys a lot.

And for me, there's often a few songs that I relate to or managed to say a situation that I went through before really well.

I just found a song that managed to say a situation that I felt before really well. A song that I really connected to on a spiritual level.
I haven't found a song that ever talked about a situation like this before so this song is the first and it suits it really well too.



I embedded the video here. However, do ignore the video because it is a little weird. Even I can't watch it. I just listen to the music but ignore the video completely.



I am going to paste the translation lyrics here.


The seasons die out, one after another; the voice of death becomes wind
A man not susceptible to the charms of the city looks up at the moon and notices how unrefined it all is.

In a life stuck in mud, the rain itself tastes of alcohol
With eyes filled with apathy as they wander the city, I’m an innocent man acting suspiciously at the station.
In order to uphold the unsteady fact that I'm me, it's like my half-transparent shadow is has come to life.
If I were to sing in the rain, would the clouds part? My life is all dried up in the midst of this bustling summer.

Dear My Loathsome Past, to you I offer this poem of farewell!
I have to cast away the remains of these days that can't get any worse, these most terrible dreams, even if it kills me.
For in the next life, a flower will bloom to tell you a poem of transition;
A song filled with suffering, of which to grieve and moan, but never to die out even if it is starved of sunlight.

Tomorrows dies out, one after another even if you hurry, you'll miss them as they become the past,
But to we who hurry through life, our flames are fickle, and we're always adding meaning after the fact.
Even if your insecure self despise you, wondering if you’re you.

When you sing, the darkness may be dispelled? This is just a life given by a rotten dream.

Dear My Loathsome Past, to you I offer this poem of farewell!
I have to cast away the remains of these days that can't get any worse, these most terrible dreams, even if it kills me.
For in the next life, a flower will bloom to tell you a poem of transition;
A song filled with suffering, of which to grieve and moan, but never to die out even if it is starved of sunlight.

With a tired face, limping along; squinting at the reflected sunset;
We spend some time wondering if we should go or head on back. I'm sure we'll face hardship; but after the slightest hesitation, we straighten up and head onward.
That's right, we have to go! Even with nothing, we have to go on living!
After all, our lives were just picked up along the way we'll leave them here as we proceed, what little they are.

Dear The Long Gone Past I Reflect Upon, to you I offer this poem of nostalgia;
If I think of days that couldn't get any worse, those most terrible dreams, you seem so far away!
Our flowers will wilt one day, and return to the circle of rebirth;
A song filled with suffering, of which to grieve and moan, but never to die out even if it is starved of sunlight.

The seasons revive, one after another.


I relate to this song because like this person, I did have a past that I didn't quite enjoy.
Or rather, I didn't quite like my past self at times because of the actions she took or the thoughts she had.
But to say I hate her is wrong.

I know some people might think that this song is about a person hating his past self but I disagree.
If anything, I think this song is about a person saying goodbye to his past self.
He is saying farewell to his past.

Like this song, my past self was dark.
I had very bad days and terrible moments.
In the past, I thought this moments would last forever.
But in the end, it didn't.
And I am better now.

So in a way, this song also makes me feel like saying farewell to my ugly past.
(I mean, I said farewell a long time ago but this song is bringing up these farewell feelings in me)

It's not that I am forgetting my past.
Not at all.
I am just bidding it farewell.
I am just allowing myself to move on.

This is a song about moving forward.
And it's so beautifully done.
The lyrics and the vocals too.