Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Turning 21

Yay, I just turned 21.
That is how I should be feeling but in reality, I don't.


I guess it's because the trials exam are on at the same time as my birthday. And so, it wasn't great to have my birthday during the trials.

It doesn't help that on my birthday, it was the two papers that I most despised which was maths and stats.

My maths and stats aren't so good. And doing those two papers was horrible. I think I might have failed those two papers but oh well.

But I am very stressed because there is only 20+ days left to my real exams. My finals.

And I am truly afraid.

However, at least with the trials, it's practice for real exam.
I get to learn where my mistakes are and do my best not to repeat it.

Well, there is 20+ days left.


Friday, April 4, 2014

April and Life.

April is here.

It's the month of my birthday and for the longest time, I never quite liked that month. To me, it was just an ordinary month.

I would have preferred it if my birthday was in May. I completely love that month.

However, it's only recently that begun to love April.
April is spring.
And spring means renewal and rejuvenation.
It's the start of something new.
It's the beginning of life.

And knowing that means a lot. It makes me appreciate April a lot more.

Anyhow, knowing that I will be reaching my birthday have really made me think.
I thought about life in general.
And I realized that life is a fluid interesting thing.
You have to let it go and just let it flow.

But that is my biggest issue.
I am still afraid.
I still want to control.

Funny thing is, in life, we have no control.
We just do what we can.
The rest, we let the universe handle it.
So, I just really need to learn to trust it.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Lessons that I think the universe wants me to learn.

I thought all hope was lost and that once you are broken, you are always broken. No matter what you do, you cannot change the fact that you were broken before.
And that is where you belong.

However, just as I was about to believe this, hope came.

It was as if the universe was trying to show me that being broken doesn't mean everything. That, yes, life sucks at times but this is life. Life is filled with both sweetness and bitterness. That is life.

It was trying to show me that there is endless possibilities if I looked harder.
It was trying to show me to hold on and yet let go at the same time.
It was trying to tell me that I need to be flexible.

Most of all, it was trying to say that life is a journey that goes on.

So, it tells me to stop looking at the black hole of my life.
Look forward instead. After all, that's where we are headed.

Friday, March 21, 2014

La vie.

Well, the exams are getting closer but I am not getting anymore motivated.

But I thought things through and I realized that it's probably I'm scared.

I'm scared of trying so hard only to fail.

That thought kills me and that fear paralyzes me.

And that's the truth.

But just as I thought everything was hopeless, the universe opens a door for me.

It tells me that there is no end.

It's all a journey.

Where we end up, we won't quite know.

And sometimes, we don't end up where we want to but that's ok.

Just do your best and live life the best way you know how.

Just try to have no regrets. Or least regrets.

And that is all.

Friday, March 14, 2014


I was watching some anime this week and it made me wonder.

Am I broken?
Am I bitter now?
Have I grown into a sad pathetic person?

I don't quite know.

I fell down.
I watched my dreams disappear in front of my very eyes.

But I would like to think that I moved on.
But have I?
I don't quite know.

Did the me who believe dreams and possibilities died?
I hope not.
I mean, if I did, it's better to bury me because then, I have forgotten what matters.

Yes, I don't have a grand plan anymore.
Because grand plans are overrated.
Life can change course and everything changes.
And you may never achieve that plan.

But I don't quite know if I don't have grand plans because I know life is unpredictable or because I am afraid of failure.

Pain changes a person.
But I don't want it to make me bitter.

But just because I don't have a plan doesn't mean it's a bad thing. 
Because it also means that I am extremely flexible.

Right now, I just set simple realistic goals like passing my first year.

I guess my goals of life have changed.
I used to want to be a millionaire so much.
But now, I want to live, to be happy. (but that doesn't mean I can't be a millionaire, plus everyone knows that money help make life easier)

Anyhow, even if I'm still sad and broken, it's alright.
I can be fixed.
Things will get better, in the end.

So yea.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Waterless and full of haze.

Hello there.

Recently, there has been water rationing so I only get water every two days.

And it's hell.

Having no water really sucks. It makes me a little crazy because you can't bathe, drink or go to the toilet freely. It makes me a little sad.

My family is a family that really conserves water so we really don't deserve this but then again, my family is not the only family affected. There are many homes that are also affected by this. So yea.

And there is haze in my place.
Recently, it's not so bad.

But last week, it was so bad.

I felt like I was in the industrialization era with the horrible black smog.

And it made me wonder about our polluted world.

Water is a precious diminishing resource and the air is being polluted.

It feels terrible that things are only going to get worse.

But my classmate asked, what am I gonna do about this?
I guess, I just have to do my best to live a good clean green life.
Whether or not that helps, I do not know.
At least, it'll be better than doing nothing.

That is all I wanted to say for this week.
So yea.

Enjoy your week and be happy if you have fresh air and clean water.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Growing up.

This year, I will be turning 21 years old.
Legally, it means that I am an adult now.
A real adult that the law can prosecute if I did any crime.

But turning 21 scares me.
I know that it's just a number but it isn't just a number to me.

I will be an adult soon.
And I guess, I don't want to grow up.

I see friends of the same age as me having jobs, graduated or working and studying at the same time. 
I feel like they are in a whole different universe from me.
I feel like I am not there yet and I don't want to be there.

Yes, I am currently studying but I do have loads of fun.
I read, write and go on the internet alot.
I enjoy getting so involve in a story that nothing else matters and reality melts away.
I enjoy ranting on the internet about stupid silly things.
I enjoy watching the same stupid videos on the internet that I have watched a million times.
I enjoy being in my own head.

I don't want to grow up.
I don't want to have responsibilities.
I just want to let loose and have fun.

I guess, I am afraid that growing up means that the fun dies, the curiosity stops and the ability to see the wonder or beauty in things disappear.
And I don't want that to happen.
Because that will mean killing me.
And being dead would be better than me being a completely dull strict person.

That is why I don't want to grow up.