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To the future

I managed to find a new job. Finally.

All the stress and frustration that I have been having for the past few months melted away with the job offer at hand.

Was it the job that I initially wanted?
No, not really.

But to be honest, looking at it now, it's not a bad offer.
In fact, this might actually be better for me than the job that I initially wanted. 

I do admit that it took me a while to figure out what I wanted career wise and also to fully accept that my university days are over.

I do sometimes wonder why I take so long to get used to things or transition into a new part of life.
But it's just how I function.
Of course, I'll do my best to try to get used to things faster.

But I must admit that when I just got out of University and when I got my first job, I was not prepared mentally.

I was still missing my University life and most of all, I didn't give myself a break to shift my mental state.
Most of all, I was confused and I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted in terms of…
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Future

I have never written a letter for my future self here before so I'm going to do it.

Dear future me,

I don't know what the future holds. But I hope you look back often with a smile and a laugh.

I hope when you look back, you think of me as a young child, yet to learn many things.

All I have going for me is blind optimism.

And I hope one day, we'll get to where we want to.

I hope we will be sitting tall, sipping our whiskey in our lovely dream apartment, surrounded by ikea furniture.

Or maybe my taste would have changed.

I don't know.

But I just hope I grow up to be the person that I want to be.

I hope when you look back, you can look me in the eye and smirk.

Smirk because only you know the challenges ahead but you know it will make you who you need to be.

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you.

And I'm sorry.

But I only want the best for myself just as you do.

And onwards to the future I go. I just hope it will be as good as I want it to be.

Fear

Lately, my fear has been loud again.

I'm still on my job hunt.

and my fear just keeps yelling at me

what if you don't find a job
what if no one wants you

And it's scary.

I don't come from a family where money is ever flowing

The thought that I would be incomeless is scary to me suddenly.

Because it means, whatever it is I planned for my financial goals come to a stop now.

I'm not sure if the job industry is hard or if I'm looking at the wrong jobs.

But yes, I'm scared.

I told myself to stop whining and fearing.
I told myself to not speak negatively.

And although I say nothing to people.
This is still my general feeling.

I'm beginning to feel tired and scared.

But then again, I remember one thing about myself.
I have alot of fears.
I have always been a fearful child.

And although I'm absolutely afraid right now, I keep telling myself that I won't settle.
No.
I won't.

I will still do my best.

After all, I don't need a million jobs. Just one.

Question is, I need t…

Oh my love

I know.  I been blogging way too much about my relationship lately. And I'm sorry. But I can't quite help it.
We just reached our second anniversary.  Yes, we been together for two years. It sounds like a long time, doesn't it?
When I think about my relationship, all I can say is that we are interesting and slightly different. Because no, we aren't the cute adorable, can't get keep our hands off each other couple. 
We are more of the best friend and partner in crime sort of relationship. 
And I think it's crazy how he's such a great guy. Not that he doesn't have flaws. He totally does.
It's crazy how he was committed from day 1. And when I asked why.  He said that I felt serious and real. And I never quite understood it.
But it's because of his deep commitment from day 1 that has allowed me to fall so deep without much fear.
I have to say that he taught to me to love. He showed me what a real relationship was like.
This relationship hasn't been easy for me in …

Of youth, dreams and darkness

Stare at the abyss below. Look at the stars above you. Now take a deep breath and jump. 

So I did.

Or rather I will.

My current job is under a one year contract and I just told my supervisor that I won't be renewing my contract or accepting the permanent job that is offered here.

This means, in about two weeks, I would be unemployed.

True, it's scary to do so. But I decided that I want to look for another job. Of course the main fear would be, what if no one wants to employ me at all. And honestly, does that scare me? Absolutely.  

Let me just say that I have been relatively stressed for a few weeks now because the clock ticks and yet, I have no job offers yet. And I'm simply afraid.

However, ever since I told my supervisor, I felt somehow liberated. Yes, the fear is there but yet, there's a huge underlying feeling where things are just gonna be okay. I don't know how but I feel it in my bones.

I have no idea what kind of future jobs will come my way. But to be honest, I t…

Anger

Anger.

It will always be something I struggle with.

And currently, it's in full force.

This anger has made it hard for me to breathe, to think and to do anything at all.

It's like there's an eternal fire in my chest and my mind.

Although I have had anger all my life, I must admit my anger management is still shit.

I really try to sit it out and hope it goes away.

For minor things, it does go away eventually.

But not now, not today.

This anger has been here for weeks now. 

And it only grows like a rolling stone down a hill. 
It only grows stronger and bigger.

I am still figuring it out.

Hopefully, I would figure it out okay

An open letter to the scared and confused dreamers.

This is a letter for myself. But this is also a letter for those who find themselves in the same place as I am.

I'm going to admit that life is different from what I initially thought when I was younger.

When I was younger, I assumed that by now, I would have reached or be somewhat close to the life of my dreams.

But now that I reach this point, I realised that I was wrong. I did not take into account that tertiary education took years. Personally, I don't regret my tertiary education because I did enjoy it. Yes, it was insane and difficult but it was fun and I met amazing people there.

It's been a year since my graduation and I find myself being frustrated. I felt disappointed in myself because no, I don't have my own apartment and no, I'm not rocking that cool ass job that I always  dreamed of. But no, I don't hate my job either. In that sense, I'm fortunate I suppose. But I feel that it may not be the kind of thing that I want to do.

However, for me, to get t…