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Just like that, the harsh winds of reality blew, killing off the remaining flicker of flame from the beautiful candle of hope.

Obviously, just from the words above, you can tell I'm not happy with my A-levels results that came out recently. It wasn't good nor was it bad.
But I'm just not happy with it.

People say it's alright.
They tell me to move on and to cheer up. 
They say it doesn't matter as long as I did my best.
They tell me to forget.

I really appreciate the thought of them wanting to cheer me up. Thank you, really.

But I can't pretend to smile when I feel like crying.
I'm not okay.
I'm not alright.
It's not alright.

Will it ever be alright?
I don't know.
Will I be alright?
Eventually. Hopefully.

But right now, I'm not alright. So just let me be. Let me wallow in my sadness.
No amount of words can comfort me.
Nothing can.
It'll take a while for me to recover, like always.

All I need right now, is someone to understand that I'm in pain and is able to stand by me.
Fortunately, I have that.
So, once again, thank you.
I hope I can repay your kindness.

You probably think it's stupid for me to just wallow in my own sadness. 
But I just have to say that this has impacted me harder and more painful than I thought. 

It's odd though. It's always easier to help others and to stand by others than it is to help myself and to stand by myself.

I wonder which is worse. Watching someone you care break or watching yourself break?

I think watching someone you care break is more painful than watching yourself break.
Because it's easier to just let yourself break. After all, does it freaking matter? Obviously not.
But to watch someone you care break. You see them in pain and you try to help them and you wish you can do more but there's nothing else you can do.
All you can do is hope that your presence and your words are enough.

I'm seeing my friends break as well too. 
I really hope that I can just stand by them and just understand their pain.
I hope what I do is enough.
And I really hope that they know that I'll be here for them, always.

It's odd.
I'm breaking but I want to help my friends more than I want to help myself. I want to hold their hands and cry with them.
I want them to know that we'll all be alright, in the end.
I want them to know that despite everything, everything will be alright.

So, I try to help my friends as I let myself wallow in my own sadness. But lucky for me, as I wallow, my friends try to help me or are wallowing with me.


Point is, I'm a mess. Isn't that just great?


JchelzAerides said…
There's nothing I can do but to hug you ((hugs))

Happy "Sam" said…
Here the hug for you ~
In sky the most nice things is star !!~
In our socity the most nice things is hug and warm from people ~

Kath Lee said…
*ugly crying sound*

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