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Showing posts from February, 2014

Growing up.

This year, I will be turning 21 years old.
Legally, it means that I am an adult now.
A real adult that the law can prosecute if I did any crime.

But turning 21 scares me.
I know that it's just a number but it isn't just a number to me.

I will be an adult soon.
And I guess, I don't want to grow up.

I see friends of the same age as me having jobs, graduated or working and studying at the same time. 
I feel like they are in a whole different universe from me.
I feel like I am not there yet and I don't want to be there.

Yes, I am currently studying but I do have loads of fun.
I read, write and go on the internet alot.
I enjoy getting so involve in a story that nothing else matters and reality melts away.
I enjoy ranting on the internet about stupid silly things.
I enjoy watching the same stupid videos on the internet that I have watched a million times.
I enjoy being in my own head.

I don't want to grow up.
I don't want to have responsibilities.
I just want to let loose and have fun…

Fear.

Fear exists.
And it lurks in the dark.
It comes in silent moments and it grips by your throat.
In that moment, fear is all you hear, see and feel.
It's real.

And right now, that is what I feel.
I'm scared.
My exams are coming closer and that is what scares me.

What if I fail?
What if I fall?
What if all I am ever good for in life is falling?

And that fear is crushing.

But as much as fear exists, I have to do my best.
So even if I do fall, at least, I won't regret it.

I'm scared.
And I am absolutely confused but that is life.
And I have to simply go on.

Falling sick.

I fell sick.
Well, actually, I am still sick.

And it's because of this, I am reminded of how much I hate being sick.
Your brain is fuzzy.
Your body is weak.
My temper gets bad.

Obviously, my studies went down the drain.

I wasted an entire week and I am still sick. 

That makes me mad.

Because I know that the exam is coming closer and I have only wasted time.
I am still utterly completely unprepared.

Yup, my exam stress is coming. I can feel it.

That is why I am in no mood for any shit right now.

I am quarantining myself until the exam ends.

Time only moves forward and wasted time won't ever come back.

And that's life.