Skip to main content

Raw Past.


This post might be long, raw and real. Just a warning. I just heard songs and it reminded of my past. Or rather, what I used to be.

The song talked about having anger. I remember having loads of anger when I was younger. I never quite understood it. It's not like I had a bad family. I didn't and they love me and everything.
But anger was real.
It was like there was a fire in my chest. 
I was just angry.

And honestly, I hated being angry. Because that is when I would make the most stupid decision. I have always regretted every decision I made in anger.

I never understood why I had so much anger.
Anger was like my primary emotion. I didn't get sad when people hurt me. I get angry. Anything happens, anger would come out. 

And in this world, it seemed like anger was a bad emotion. So I hated myself for having so much of it. For not being able to control it. When I was younger, anger was like fire. It only spread everywhere and I watched it burn. I could do nothing to stop it.

It's like watching yourself burning things. You are staring at yourself and you are yelling, begging to stop. But the one burning isn't listening. There was nothing you could do but stare at the damage you caused.

I hated my anger for a long time. The world didn't like people with anger. Or worse, little girls aren't supposed to be angry. They are supposed to be happy little angels. But I wasn't. I was angry. Angry all the time. What was I angry at? I had no idea and I never figured it out. 

So I got good at wearing a mask. Building walls and putting people at a distance. Because no one wants to see anger. It's ugly. So I hide it deep it inside me. But I was young so I didn't have much control. So I was still angry. So every once in a while, the anger will flare out. People will be surprised and I would hate myself so much for flaring out because I should have control over my own anger.

Those were hard times. But lucky me, I watched shows and there were a few characters on TV or movies that had anger like me. So much anger. And for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. Because like me, they hated their anger and had no idea to control it.

But the past was hard for me. Because as a young person, my emotions were everywhere and I didn't know how to handle that. 

What made things worse were, I was trying so hard to fit in. 
But clearly, I didn't fit in at all.
People said many things about me and it weren't nice.

If you ask me now, I can't remember their exact words or who said these words. But I just remember hearing them. I remember how I had to pretend to smile and pretend it didn't hurt. I had to pretend I didn't hear or that I didn't understand. 

So I wore an even thicker mask. Build taller walls. And hide inside them. Because it was safer in there and no one could hurt me if they didn't know my weakness. I constantly told myself, "Don't let them see you hurt. Don't let them see you cry. Don't let them see you sad. Don't let them win.

I was just good at pretending that I was alright despite the fact that my self esteem corroded. I hated myself back then.

But no matter how much I hated myself, my self esteem wasn't destroyed completely. Because no matter what, I knew one thing about myself. I was going to go places. I was going to make it big. I would be successful in the future. So successful that they would regret ever being mean to me.

Personally, to me, this doesn't matter now. I just want to find happiness in my life. Live the life I always dreamed of. 

Good thing is, high school ended.

And Alevels begun. In Alevels, I got a fresh start. So I decided to go differently. Be a different person. Be who I want to be but never got to become back in high school.

It was great in Alevels. I learnt more about myself and found wonderful friends that would support me.
Ever since then, I kept working at my own recovery. I learnt to love myself alot more. I also learn to love people and my life. 

So yea.

What I am trying to say is, life will suck and it will have hard times. But you will be alright. You can get better. I certainly did.

This smile, this upbeat positive attitude I have, it did not come because I didn't have hardship. But it was because I did have. I choose to be positive and happy. Because that's how I want to live the rest of my life. 

Comments

文儀 said…
When I try to recall a lvl is really a good start and high school quite shitty.even nw if I bumped into secondary ppl which I know,nt even friend I feel uneasy.their existence remind me of my terrible past.how ppl tend to hate me,talk bad abt me,and jz ostracize me kind of thing.

And my biggest issue isn't the anger.it's the panic and not knowing what to do and say to make people like me instead of hating me.

I duno what to do to fit in and furthermore to figure what kind of unusual feelings I have for a friend.

I didn't and couldn't deal with them well and I hate myself. I acted not to care what people say or did to me.

I kept myself alone.I wish to go to a place where nobody know me and start fresh.

Our culture don't teach us too much about toleration and acceptance.accept the differences,and diversity and learn to respect and autonomy.

Anyhow we grow much stronger and a better person.
Happy "Sam" said…
Yes,
One girl and one boy !!
hehe !!

I am going to let my kids go Chinese school first when primary.
Then secondary only go to international school.
Ya !! now education is important.
Worry my kids ....
A lot things expensive ...
Hard in malaysia now !!

Thank you !!
Wish you the best for your family too !!
Welcome !!
I just share my past and journey ~
Hope can help you !!
let sharing together !!
mm,
Take care !!
Healthy forever !!

Now busy for musical for my school and ISO audit.
Please have a visit to our website
http://suriaproduction.com/
This years musical !!
Lost in Qolora !!
Story !! music !! design !! anythings we do ourself !!
No copy people !!
hehe !!!



Popular posts from this blog

Dear me,

I watched an anime where a girl managed to write a letter to her past self of ten years. True, that's not possible in reality but the concept of that is interesting. She wrote to her ten years younger self to avoid her regrets. She wanted her past self to change certain decisions in the past so that her current self won't have any regrets.

Personally, I wouldn't want to tell my past self to change her decisions to avoid regrets. Do I have regrets? Yes. But I won't change them because I learnt from them. And that has been grow as a person. So I don't quite regret that.

However, if I could write a letter to my past self, it would be fun. If I were to write to my ten years younger self, that would be my 13 year old self. And this is what I would love to say.

Dear me,

Hello there. This is your 23 year old self. I know, it's unbelievable. You can barely imagine yourself at that age currently. 
I still remember being 13. Vaguely. My memory isn't that great.

But I remem…

An open letter to the scared and confused dreamers.

This is a letter for myself. But this is also a letter for those who find themselves in the same place as I am.

I'm going to admit that life is different from what I initially thought when I was younger.

When I was younger, I assumed that by now, I would have reached or be somewhat close to the life of my dreams.

But now that I reach this point, I realised that I was wrong. I did not take into account that tertiary education took years. Personally, I don't regret my tertiary education because I did enjoy it. Yes, it was insane and difficult but it was fun and I met amazing people there.

It's been a year since my graduation and I find myself being frustrated. I felt disappointed in myself because no, I don't have my own apartment and no, I'm not rocking that cool ass job that I always  dreamed of. But no, I don't hate my job either. In that sense, I'm fortunate I suppose. But I feel that it may not be the kind of thing that I want to do.

However, for me, to get t…

Alter ego, SUIT UP!!

Man, it feels odd to have people believe in you at the very moment you do not trust yourself. It feels odd to hear people's praises of you when you're feeling incapable. So I guess, it's time for one of my many alter ego to suit up if I wanna win that debate competition!!

Like any other person, I have many alter ego's...and I'm gonna list most of them today.


Ms Drama Queen
Likes :Attention and spotlight. She's a diva.
Dislikes :People stealing her spotlight or not getting her spotlight.
She is : A real drama queen. She whines & complains alot though. She thinks that the world revolves around her.
Can't handle :Ms Productive


Ms Arrogant
Likes : Winning, winning and winning.
Dislikes : Losing and losers.
She is : A real mean arrogant person. She really doesn't care about the other people. She thinks she is the best. Mostly, she thinks that her opponents aren't even her equal unless they have proven otherwise. Even then, she still thinks she is better than …