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Storms.


I was just thinking of a rejection that I just got from companies regarding jobs and internships. Of course, it still stings a little. I think rejection will always sting a little to me.
But no matter what happens, I tell myself to get up. To stand tall and fight again. Life will close doors in my face. I am aware of that. But I have to remind myself that when life does that, I have to search for the open windows.

And if life shuts a door in my face, it just means that isn't the path I am meant to walk. I just have to find my path. If that takes a long time, I should still keep at it and never give up. 
People and the world can reject me all they want. But I must never stop believing that I am great and worth it or that my time to shine is coming. Because those are all true. 

I must never stop giving up. Because I been through storms before and I survived all of them. Not only did I survive, I come out of them, stronger and better every single time. Storms only built me up. 
So if I keep believing in myself while constantly putting in effort, I will reach my destination one day.

Even if my destination isn't the goal I wanted, I know I will be happy, better and stronger. Storms have never taken anything from me. If anything, it gave me this sense of power and strength of my own life and ability.

I still remember when I was younger. In high school, I used to think I was stupid. I was always that one who didn't study or do her homework. I claimed it was because I was a lazy ass. But really, it was because I was scared of failure. I didn't want to work hard and to be proven that I was stupid when my grades didn't improve despite my hard work.

Instead, I chose to slack. Be lazy. That way, even if my grades sucked, I was alright. After all, I didn't work for it. Soon, even among my group of high school friends, I was the "stupid one". And I believed that. High school didn't matter to me then. It was a prison and I was just waiting for it to be over. 

Alevels came. To be honest, I was very scared. Alevels was known to be hard. I wondered if I was crazy for choosing something so hard. But I wanted so much to study overseas back then and this was one way to achieve that. So I just forced myself to do it anyway. 

I still felt that I was stupid. I still felt that I would screw this up. But when my parents had to pay for my Alevels, I told myself that I had to atleast try. I had to atleast do my best. So I told myself to pretend. To pretend that I was the smartest student around and to behave like a smart student. And I did so.

I gained alot of pride while pretending. But at the same time, I began to really pay attention in class, take loads of notes down and constantly ask questions if I don't understand anything. Soon, I actually became one of the top in my class. Suddenly, I was "smart".

It was a surprise to me because all I did was pretend to be smart. Now, all of a sudden, I actually was. People came to me when they didn't understand something. I was known to be the smarter one. Lecturers love me. 

This was still all a shock to me because for years, I believed I was stupid and suddenly, I am not. It was insane. It took me a while to really realise that I was not stupid. Because at one point, I kept thinking this lie will end and I will be stupid again. But that didn't happen. So that is when I really realise that I wasn't stupid.

I thought I was on top of Alevels back then. But I was wrong. Because few months down the road, Alevels really became very hard. I almost broke. I could feel myself cracking. I could tell that I couldn't take any more pressure. I couldn't this. I wanted to so much to take a train and run away. Run far away as possible. I remember telling myself that if Alevels push me any further, I'll really break and go insane.

But Alevels pushed further despite me screaming for it to stop. Bit by bit, it pushed and bit by bit, I cracked more.
Finally, I thought I reached my limit. I thought this is the end. I'll go insane. 

Oddly enough, when Alevels pushed me past that limit, I didn't go insane. If anything, I felt liberated. I felt like I reached a whole new frontier. I felt like, I could keep going, faster, better and smarter. That really built my confidence because I felt brand new and I could keep going.

During Alevels, I felt like I was reaching my goals. I was so close that I could taste it and feel it. I thought I was there.

I would never forget how I thought I reached my goals and right before I touched it, I fell tumbling down into a vast darkness. In that darkness, I couldn't see my goal anymore. I was just stuck in this dark void of emptiness and most of all, I was alone. I felt like a god who was kicked out of heaven. 

I didn't reach my goals. I felt like I failed. Trust me, I wanted to die. Every day felt like suffering. I was angry and frustrated. Not many people knew about this because I was a good liar with people I'm not closed with. Only close friends knew about this. 

I continued to live but I walked around, existing. My raison d'etre stolen away from me. I was dead inside. 
And then, I started my degree. At first, I didn't want to be there. I just wanted to die because I felt like a huge failure from Alevels. I failed to achieve what I wanted. 

But I kept breathing and I allowed close friends to catch me when I fall. Slowly, bit by bit, I was rebuilding. I don't know how but one day, I woke up and I told myself, I survived my Alevels so I will survive my degree. Somehow, I started working on my degree.

As I kept working, I found myself surrounded by good company. Slowly, I began to actually be happy. I found myself loving what I was studying.

And I also tried to work hard for my degree. I admit that my first year results weren't great but I told myself I would work harder for my second year which I did. 

But what I am trying to say is, I survived every storm. I learn that I have friends who will catch me. I learn that I can rebuild and that I am stronger than I seem.

So the moral of the story is, never give up. Never fight a storm. Just endure. It will make you better. So just trust yourself. 

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