Skip to main content

Vulnerabilities



Being vulnerable is sometimes difficult.

A friend of mine said, being vulnerable with other people is sometimes difficult.
But for me, that's not my problem.

I am comfortable with being vulnerable with other people if I,myself, is comfortable with being vulnerable with myself.

So obviously, my problem is being vulnerable with myself.

I know some people might wonder why being vulnerable with myself is difficult.

I suppose this has something to do.

Although I understand that I'm very human and I'm absolutely flawed, it still hard to understand some of my own flaws.

Because for me, being vulnerable with myself means looking at my fears. 
What do I fear?

And for a long time, I don't like acknowledging my fear.
Because fear is an ugly emotion to me and it's something I was never fond of.
So although I had loads of fear in the past, I prefer just being overdramatic and pretending that it doesn't exist. I prefer lying to myself, saying that I don't know rather than finding out why in terms of fear.

Fear is scary to me.
Because as an idealist and an optimist, fear somehow just is completely uncomfortable.
Maybe because fear can threaten to destroy that idealism and optimism that you carry out.

So I rather pretend the fear doesn't exist or that I have no idea about it and morph into something else like frustration than to look at it head on.

I'm generally comfortable with myself.

I get that my emotions are often volatile and I react strongly sometimes. 
Although sometimes this can get annoying or tiring, I'm still learning to handle this.

But recently, fear has been knocking on my door again.
And when I look at it in its eyes, I see everything that I fear most.
And I guess that's the scary part.
To admit you're scared.
To admit that you're fearful.

Maybe because I feel that I admit it, I feel like, I am allowing this fear to take hold of me and that maybe, it might occur.

So perhaps this is why I prefer to close my eyes, pretend it's not tailing me and go on with my day, trying to be more optimistic and idealistic.

But like all ghosts that haunts you, you can see it in the corner of your eye every time you turn. It's there.
And all the optimism and idealism. That's just a lie to pretend it's not there.
You're tiring yourself out over something so silly because doing this often will lead to a break down.

Because there's only so long you can pretend and lie to yourself. 
Because pretending to be okay is sometimes harder than it seems. 

I know I still have problems here.
But I have to admit that I'm afraid.
And most of all, I have to admit that it's okay to be afraid.

That way I don't have to pretend anymore.
I can just accept my fear.
And move on.

Take actions to make sure it doesn't happen rather than pretend that's not there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not easy to be vulnerable with yourself. It's sometimes not easy to be real with yourself.

But the only person that really matters is you. So you gotta learn to be comfortable with yourself.

Comments

Happy "Sam" said…
hehehe !!
Every month also pay PCB .... just claim back only.
so very easy to do the income tax .
Great !!
New look !! Fresh !! blog !!
I am lazy ..... to update blog already ...
work ... kids ... family ...
hehe !!

Planing and go find my target !!
Same jobs !!
Depend .... because i work in international school.
That time i planing that my kids can school here got discount 50% but now money small and economic is not so good.

Wish find a new international school change there and get my kids free study !!
haha !!
Because study for kids is expensive !!
all kids also need study !!
So wish can save here !!

mm, find new jobs and new work to go !!
oh !!
travel great !!
China is my 5 years ago !!
Now already 5 years i marry !!
haha !!
mm, plan plan when kids big a bit !!
^_^

Welcome !

Today your blog for this page !!
Vulnerabilities
I also no see !!
lasy ................
But great for your hard work and write a lot !!
^_^

Popular posts from this blog

An open letter to the scared and confused dreamers.

This is a letter for myself. But this is also a letter for those who find themselves in the same place as I am.

I'm going to admit that life is different from what I initially thought when I was younger.

When I was younger, I assumed that by now, I would have reached or be somewhat close to the life of my dreams.

But now that I reach this point, I realised that I was wrong. I did not take into account that tertiary education took years. Personally, I don't regret my tertiary education because I did enjoy it. Yes, it was insane and difficult but it was fun and I met amazing people there.

It's been a year since my graduation and I find myself being frustrated. I felt disappointed in myself because no, I don't have my own apartment and no, I'm not rocking that cool ass job that I always  dreamed of. But no, I don't hate my job either. In that sense, I'm fortunate I suppose. But I feel that it may not be the kind of thing that I want to do.

However, for me, to get t…

Alter ego, SUIT UP!!

Man, it feels odd to have people believe in you at the very moment you do not trust yourself. It feels odd to hear people's praises of you when you're feeling incapable. So I guess, it's time for one of my many alter ego to suit up if I wanna win that debate competition!!

Like any other person, I have many alter ego's...and I'm gonna list most of them today.


Ms Drama Queen
Likes :Attention and spotlight. She's a diva.
Dislikes :People stealing her spotlight or not getting her spotlight.
She is : A real drama queen. She whines & complains alot though. She thinks that the world revolves around her.
Can't handle :Ms Productive


Ms Arrogant
Likes : Winning, winning and winning.
Dislikes : Losing and losers.
She is : A real mean arrogant person. She really doesn't care about the other people. She thinks she is the best. Mostly, she thinks that her opponents aren't even her equal unless they have proven otherwise. Even then, she still thinks she is better than …

Growing up, closure and an interview.

I guess it's time I grow up. When high school is over, I have to grow up, be a mature and a responsible little young lady.
There's alot of things I have to learn.

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of leaving graduating from high school.
WHY?
I mean, I've been going to school for years. And the thought that it will finally end is a relief but also a little frightening.

But it's a new chapter in life. Everyone goes through it. So yea, I'm afraid but excited at the same time. There's so much to do after the graduating. College, driver licence & etc...

I guess I'll miss high school a little. Never thought it would end...but yea, it will soon enough.

Before I left high school, I need some closure. I mean, I made some friends & lost some friends. I do have some regrets. I was such an idiot and arrogant ass last time.
So yea, before high school end, I need to send some letters to the few people I hurt.



But I guess, that's high school. You make a hell lot of…