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An open letter to the scared and confused dreamers.

This is a letter for myself. But this is also a letter for those who find themselves in the same place as I am.

I'm going to admit that life is different from what I initially thought when I was younger.

When I was younger, I assumed that by now, I would have reached or be somewhat close to the life of my dreams.

But now that I reach this point, I realised that I was wrong. I did not take into account that tertiary education took years. Personally, I don't regret my tertiary education because I did enjoy it. Yes, it was insane and difficult but it was fun and I met amazing people there.

It's been a year since my graduation and I find myself being frustrated. I felt disappointed in myself because no, I don't have my own apartment and no, I'm not rocking that cool ass job that I always  dreamed of. But no, I don't hate my job either. In that sense, I'm fortunate I suppose. But I feel that it may not be the kind of thing that I want to do.

However, for me, to get to this conclusion, it took me almost a whole year. I thought a lot to myself in that period. I thought about my goals, my dreams and my aspirations. I thought about my friends and family. Some people did reprimand me for thinking so much. To them, they wonder what is there to even think about. But not to me. This is my life and I really want to try to figure it out. But I also understand you can't figure life out completely because life is sometimes so random and crazy. That's what makes it fun though sometimes. Sometimes.

There will be many conflicting advice or just people in general telling you what to do. Although that's annoying, don't let their voices cloud what you want. But the worse thing wasn't this. It was feeling like life was a race and I was losing because I was far behind. This truly frustrated me. But over time, I turned to people who mattered to me and I learnt one thing.

Life is not a race. It's a journey. So go on yours. I get that it gets scary sometimes but hold on to yourself and try anyway. Atleast just try. And if you don't like it, take another path. Everyone has a different journey. So when people try to compare, don't let them. And don't compare yourself to others. Just focus on yourself. Focus on what you want and how you are going to get there. 

I get that it may seem daunting though. The place you want to go to seems so beautiful and grand. And you have no idea how to get there at all. It's okay. One step at a time. Like for me, just applying for a new job is a step for me. Atleast I'm doing something about my situation no matter how small it is.

I admit I'm privileged enough to have friends who will have my back are are absolutely understanding and kind. They were the people that helped me through my moments of confusion. Atleast with them, I felt less alone. And I hope me writing this will help anyone who feels rather alone. You aren't alone.

Although I decided to go search for new jobs. I didn't know what sort of jobs I should go into. I don't know about you or other people but I'm the type of person who loves many different things at any given time. But being human, it's impossible to develop every single thing you love as I don't have all the time in the universe. Just sitting and thinking what kind of jobs suits me itself gave me a headache. What did I want to venture in? But I was so interested in so many different things.

Even as I write this now, I don't exactly have a solid plan yet on what sort of job I want. I just read the job description and I ask myself if it's what I want to do. If the answer is yes, then I would apply for it.

What I learnt from this is that, try. Just try. No matter how insane it is. Atleast try. Take the first step. Right now, I'm young without much commitments. This is the best time for me to go out and explore. To play and gamble with my options. It doesn't matter if people go, you didn't study this or is this a viable option. What matters is what you think. So try. The worse that can happen is that you get rejected. And to me, that's better than not trying and regretting.

Although I was applying for new jobs, I must admit that I was feeling rather afraid to venture out. Because suddenly, although I didn't love my current job, it was safe and familiar. But I knew I should venture out either way because if I didn't try, I knew I would regret not trying. I know my emotions are conflicting and contradictory sometimes. But that's just who I am sometimes.

Anyhow, regarding my job hunt, the preferred ending would be to say, the job I love gave me an offer and now, that's where I'm going to go.

But that's not the truth.

The truth is, despite my many applications, I have not gotten a job offer yet. I don't know if it's the economy, me or something different altogether.

I won't lie. I admit that the lack of response really dampens my mood. So I was a little down. I was afraid again. What if no one wants me?

People will give you many different advice though. Some will say, go apply for more jobs while others will say, don't be picky. Well, that's their thing really. Is it insane that I want a job that has a good company culture, has work life balance and pay well? Maybe. But that's for me to bear. You don't have to listen to their advice if you don't want to. Just remember that it is what you want that matters. And never forget to be flexible because things can always turn out how you least expect them to be.

But despite all this, I felt somewhat optimistic. I am optimistic because I know atleast I tried. I played my cards. I made my first move.

And if all I get is rejection. So be it.

I will pick myself up and carry on. I will find other jobs to apply for. Despite the economy. 

Despite my fear and confusion, I realised one thing. 

I cannot stop trying. I cannot stop dreaming. There is always hope.

One day, I don't know when, but one day, I will achieve what I want to achieve and I will stand there, tall and glad with my friends. 

But I will admit that I have good days and bad days. On bad days, I don't hope so much. I'd probably be moping instead. Haha. But if at the end of the day, you still hope, I think that's what matters.

As for now, I'm going to go watch my email inbox, hoping that there will be a reply, be it a rejection or not. But that's what I'm going to do.

Well, this is all I have to say.

Thanks for sticking around. 


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